It Was Hardly a Choice
by Pafoof
Summary: "He could hand back the book, walk away from Magnus, find someone else, some shadowhunter to love, be with him, share the kinship of predictable days and nights, the daily poetry of an ordinary life..." Alec chooses to walk away from Magnus that night in Idris. When their paths cross eight years later will Alec be able to stick with his decisions or will he see how wrong he was?
1. Prologue

Life had been good for eight years. Eight long years of peace and what some would call happiness. Alec stood on the front porch of his home with a hot mug of coffee in his hand and wondered, not for the first time, just what the hell was wrong with him. He had the best life he could have ever imagined eight years ago. This was like a fantasy. He lived in a suburb of the city he loved more than any other. He had a beautiful wife that loved him despite many things and he had a son who was turning six and whom he loved more than anything in the world. He still had his siblings alive and close by. All of this made up his life and yet as he sat on his front porch he felt nothing but utterly depressed.

Jace had gotten the run of the Institute since neither of the Lightwood siblings actually wanted it. Isabelle was living with Simon and their beautiful daughter. Jace and Clary had two kids running around the institute. It got hectic when they all got together but for the most part life was in perfect harmony.

"Daddy!" Alec jerked out of his musings to see his son running outside in his pajamas and bare feet. His black curls bobbed as he ran and his grin lit up his morning in a way coffee never could. He frowned and quickly swept the small boy off his feet before they froze. "Dad I don't want to see anyone else. Tell mom to leave me alone. I'm not sick or anything."

"I know kiddo, but let's keep your mom happy. She's only worried about you. And she is right to be if you're going to run around in bare feet when it's cold out." Alec reached down to rub a frozen foot in his hand as he carried his son inside. They had named him Max after his little brother at Alec's insistence. The little boy was incredibly smart and loved to read as much as his father. Alec was continuously amazed at how much Max was like him even though they had no blood relation. Lately the child was spiking fevers every few days without any sort of reason and he would suddenly get better after a few hours. It was a curious thing and it had his wife Emily nearly beside herself with worry.

"Alec?" Emily appeared at the top of the stairs and rushed down them as she saw he had Max in his arms. Her brown eyes met his blue and he couldn't help a fond smile breaking out despite his irritation with her. He had told her only last night the testing needed to stop. A six year old boy couldn't live in a hospital, it was no kind of life. "Oh thank the Angel you were outside."Alec sontinued into the kitchen with his squirming son. He placed the young man on the counter top as he bent to pull out ingredients for Max's favorite breakfast Max swung his short legs as he sat impatiently but he hopped down when he saw what his father was planning.

"Do you want pancakes?"

"Will you make shapes?" The blue eyes matching his own lit up in excitement and Alec could never say no to them even if he wanted to.

"Yes I think I can manage shapes today Go run along and I'll call you when they're ready." Max darted out of the kitchen as his mother entered at a slower pace. She ran a fond hand through their son's black curls. She sat at the table where Alec placed a mug of tea in front of her promptly. She smiled at him and took a long sip.

"You're angry. I was going to tell you, but this really did come up last minute. I just can't let this rest." Alec sighed and leaned against the counter top while folding his arms. He hated seeing Emily like this but he couldn't deny he was angry. If there was one thing about his wife that drove him crazy it was the fact that she had a tendency to go behind his back about things.

"I don't know why you always do this. I am a perfectly rational person you can talk to. I don't even have a temper, just ask Jace. He's tried to rile me up since I met him and it hasn't worked. The only person who ever managed to get under my skin is who knows where. You can talk to me about things Emily. I just hate when you do things without talking to me. Telling Max bad news first thing in the morning is a terrible idea by the way." Emily set down her mug and Alec could see her mouth twitching up in a smile and he felt better. He hated seeing Emily upset.

"Alec you're allowed to be angry with me. It'd make me feel better if you were. I understand that I went behind your back but I just know something isn't right." Alec sighed again as he flipped the golden brown pancakes over. He briefly remembered the times his sister had attempted cooking the fluffy cakes and they had ended up flat and on the ceiling once. It made him smile even as his insides brimmed with annoyance he shouldn't feel. Not towards Emily, she deserved nothing but the best from him.

"Em, he's been to the best doctors on the east coast. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. I don't know how much more you want to put him through. He's been through enough testing and prodding to last him a lifetime. I know his fevers are weird and I'm worried but I don't see what else we can do." Soft hands came on his shoulders and he tried not to stiffen. He hated being touched when he was upset and it normally only made him more upset.

"I called a warlock." Alec nearly stopped breathing altogether and for the first time in years he felt his anger truly rise.

"A warlock? How do you even think we could afford one? And what the hell can a warlock even do? I don't want magic touching our son." Emily frowned as she moved back to her seat at the table. Alec put Max's breakfast on the table stiffly, reluctant to call the boy into this kind of atmosphere.

"This isn't like you." A frown appeared on her delicate features as she ran a hand through her blonde hair. "We've run out of everything else. Something isn't right here and I don't know what else to do. You can't just refuse to let him see a warlock because-" Alec clenched his fists and tried not to feel anything but he wasn't all too sure it was working.

" I have nothing against warlocks and I never will. I know they are way beyond what we can afford and we don't need one. There is no magic at work here. Max just has a weak immune system. He gets sick a lot." Emily rose and met him head on. She pulled her hair into a bun and folded her arms stiffly. Alec refused to look at her and instead looked out across their lawn.

"They have tested him for everything! He is so sick half the time and just fine the next. It's not healthy and he hasn't been able to even go to school with his friends. We need help Alec and I thought you would do anything for him. I know you don't like warlocks but please consider it. It might help us. It might help Max which is all that matters."

"You have no idea why I feel the way I do about warlocks. You shouldn't listen to Jace, especially when he's drunk. Max is not seeing anyone else. He's going to spend a normal Saturday being a kid. You've dragged him all over the city for the last month and we haven't had one answer. You need to give him a break." Emily bit her lip and before Max could bound into the kitchen she whispered.

"He'll be here any minute. It was the only time he had open. He just got back into the city and we caught him on a free day. Bane is the best-" Alec felt the air leave his lungs and he had to lean on the counter to keep from falling over completely. The name rolling off his wife's tongue made his heart race dangerously fast. His mind whirled through images of dimly lit rooms and the smell of sandalwood filled his senses. He could handle anyone but that man. He could never see Magnus Bane again as long as he lived. He couldn't have Magnus see him like this, living in suburbia bliss. No one could undo him like that warlock could. He couldn't afford to have anyone see through his facades right now.

Alec grabbed his coat from the door, ignoring the soft pleas from Emily and the loud questions from his son. He roughly grabbed the door handle and yanked it open only to be stopped by a vision full of glitter and bright blue. Alec felt as if his heart had stopped beating altogether as he slowly looked up to see the golden green gaze of Magnus Bane.


	2. Someone Like You

Magnus Bane never truly felt his age except when he stepped off the plane to be back in New York again. The place drew him in like nowhere else and while he would give anything to just be away from it once and for all he always ended up back in the big apple. He quickly threw on sunglasses as he stepped out into the sunlight. He felt awful from jet lag but it wasn't anything a nice drink and a long nap wouldn't fix. He should have just portaled back but it drained him nearly empty and he couldn't afford a week off. No country paid as well as America did, particularly his clients in New York. He already had a full week planned of clients and he had just gotten off the plane. He could swear the city would fall apart without his capable hands. He quickly hailed a cab and slumped in the backseat while purring his address and some money into the front pocket of the cabbie. He settled back into the seat and finally turned his phone on. He leaned his head back, bone tired and not ready to be back in this memory haven. Every memory of this place made him want to run as far as he could, and yet this place held his most precious memories he would ever have. You never did forget the first time you fell in love with another person, truly and deeply in love. The love of your life is the story you never tell and yet the story your mind never stops replaying.

The screen lit up at last and he hardly clicked on his messages before it started ringing. The number was outside the city and normally he didn't go out of city limits. He couldn't think of too many people who had his number and lived outside the realm of Manhattan or Brooklyn. His curiousity bit at him and he answered out of pure intrigue.

"This is Bane." A sigh of relief came over the line and Magnus truly wondered who was so surprised to get ahold of him.

"Mr Bane I am so glad you answered. I heard you were nearly impossible to speak to." The voice of a young woman drifted over the line which caused a lazy smile to drift across his face. He could never tire of a damsel in distress.

"This is your lucky day, I only just landed back in the city this morning."

"I'm so sorry to bother you but I really need your help. Or, well, I think it's you I need." Magnus frowned and shifted to look at the passing skyline over the bridge.

"Well tell me what you need and I'll let you know if I can help." A shaky breath was taken and a door closed on the other end. Magnus's intrigue increased as it became evident that whatever this was about was a secret.

"I have a son and he's very sick." Magnus mentally brought up his schedule. Healing never took too long, though normally they would just use medicine or use runes depending on their race. He had no idea what he was dealing with but it shouldn't take more than an hour or so. "He keeps spiking these awful fevers that we can do nothing about. The last time he nearly died from dehydration before it just vanished. One minute he was sweating and miserable and the next he was fine and running around. Medication does nothing for him and it seems like something else is controlling these fevers. We have taken him to every doctor in New York and they can't find anything wrong." Magnus frowned, at a loss of what exactly could be going on.

"Can you give me a bit of a history?"

"Well my husband and I are both shadowhunters. Max, well, we think he is. The truth is we don't know what he is. He's always been perfectly normal until now. He's six and I hate seeing him miserable. Please tell me you'll come take a look. He loves to explore and lately I've thought maybe he picked up some magical object or something." Magnus sighed and knew his curiosity would be the death of him. He really needed sleep and a shower but instead he was about to go solve another mystery. His gut tightened at the mere thought of seeing shadowhunters again but he reasoned this wasn't exactly getting involved. He would just heal the kid and get out of there. No prolonged contact and he'd likely never see this couple again.

"Well if you don't mind me coming right now. I have a pretty full schedule besides today. Can I get a name love?"

"Lightwood. My name is Emily and right now is great. Thank you so much for making time. I can even offer you breakfast if you'd like. My husband is a wonderful cook." Magnus took a deep breath and knew he was going to regret this. He only knew of one Lightwood shadowhunter family and he never wanted to see any of them again. His only comfort was that it couldn't possibly be the one responsible for the knife plunging through his heart.

"Right, Emily, I will be there in approximately twenty minutes. I'm sure your son will be just fine." Magnus honestly had no idea if this was true but her erratic breathing tugged at something in him. Lightwoods would destroy him someday that much was certain.

"Thank you, I'll see you soon then." Their call disconnected and Magnus leaned his head back while taking a deep breath. Whatever this was about it wasn't going to be easy.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

The cab pulled up in front of a beautiful Victorian style white house fifteen minutes from the city. It was well manicured and utterly beautiful. He wondered what Lightwood he was about to find inside. It had to be Jace. Isabelle certainly wasn't into women, or at least she wasn't the last time Magnus had talked to her. Alec, well he knew what that boy liked and it wasn't women with voices like that. He stepped out and felt the fine gravel crunch under his boots. He placed his sunglasses back on as he strode up the long driveway to the porch. He heard raised voices inside and hesitated. The last thing he needed this morning was to be caught up in a domestic.

"You have no idea why I feel the way I do about warlocks-" Magnus felt his heart stop completely and he was surprised his knees supported him at all. This couldn't be real. Alec couldn't be in there of all places. This was nothing like the young nephilim. Alec wasn't into white picket fences with beautiful women. He had never touched a woman. None of this was making sense.

"Fuck New York," Magnus muttered as he limply leaned back against the siding. He couldn't deal with this. He had plenty of demons, most of them residing in New York but this was the one memory he couldn't revisit. Alexander Lightwood had been the love of his life and they had parted eight years ago. He had bared himself to the shadowhunter and Alec had chosen to walk away. Alec loved him but couldn't trust him. He had handed Alec his heart bound by a spiral notebook. Alec had handed it back and walked away from him. Magnus knew he likely deserved it but it didn't make anything better or make it hurt any less.

He was about to walk away and possibly book the next flight as far away as he could go clients be damned when the woman's words echoed in his head about a son. Alec had a son and his son was unwell. A small child with Alec's blood needed help and Magnus would be lying if he said that didn't affect everything. There was no way he could just walk away from that. Magnus swore again as he turned on his heel and before he could grab the handle the door swung open to reveal the only person Magnus swore to never see again.

Alexander had gotten older and his features more chiseled than they had been during the war. His eyes were still the same penetrating blue and they took no time piercing his heart straight through. The eyes he had spent hours studying looked so different to the ones Magnus fell in love with late at night in Brooklyn. They looked defeated and sad. They looked so old despite the shadowhunter only being in his mid twenties. Alec looked as though he had lived a few lifetimes in the last eight years they had been apart.

"Alexander, it's been quite some time." Magnus heard the words but couldn't remember forming them. Alec was completely captivating as he always had been. Magnus knew now that he had been numb for the last few years without realizing. Nothing in his life had prepared him for feeling like this. Alec looked away and a muscle worked in his jaw that meant he was close to breaking apart completely.

"Mr. Bane, please come in. Thank you again for coming. Alec-" His wife's voice seemed to break Alec of his silence and he snapped his gaze away and side stepped the warlock on his front porch.

"I need to go. Emily I'll be back later. Take care of Max, please." Magnus wasn't sure if the last comment was directed towards his wife or himself but he watched as Alec stormed off and climbed into a sleek black car. He took a careful breath and faced the woman in the doorway. She was beautiful, truly. Her hair fell in blonde curls slightly past her shoulders and she had soft brown eyes that were full of kindness. She wore a t-shirt that had a stain or two on ti and jeans. Her hair was up in a bun at the moment and she looked haggard and stressed.

"So, your son?" Magnus prompted to break the young woman out of her trance. She quickly nodded and retreated into the house. Magnus entered and inhaled sharply. The house was beautiful and breathed Alexander in every pore. The decorations were mostly antiques and paintings Alec loved. The foyer had large skylights flooding sunlight into the room and oriental rugs donned the floors.

"Sorry about the mess, it's been a bit of a hectic morning honestly. Max was here a moment ago. He's not too happy about all of this. He's a typical six year old and he's tired of people poking at him." Her movements were choppy and it was evident she was upset, likely by Alec leaving the way he had.

"I'll keep my hands to myself, no poking from me." A smile briefly crossed her face as she quickly cleared the table and piled plates into the sink. Magnus felt the shock somewhat wearing off and he was endlessly amused and sick that Alec had this kind of life. It was the life he always swore never to have. He wondered how large of a role Robert and Maryse had in all of this.

"Can I get you anything? Jet lag is awful and I know you must just want to sleep more than anything. We have fresh coffee. Alec rushed out of here before even grabbing any. I prefer tea so we have that if you'd rather." Magnus sighed and wanted to tear his hair out. He wasn't supposed to like her. She wasn't supposed to be beautiful with a heart of gold. He was supposed to find her completely unsavory and hate her on the principle she was married to the last person who had made him feel anything.

"Coffee is wonderful. I haven't had a decent cup since leaving." She busied herself finding a mug and through the open doorway he spotted a large wedding picture on the handsome mantle in the next room. His breathing was cut off seeing such plain evidence that Alec had moved on. Though even in the picture it was evident the blue eyes hadn't seen happiness for quite some time.

"How long have you been married to Alexander?" Magnus focused on the mug placed in front of him instead of looking at Emily again. She leaned against the counter and dried her hands on a towel with a smile on her face.

"It's been six years already. Though I'm a bit jealous you get to call him by his full name. I swear if anyone else tries that he goes off like nothing I've ever seen. He never mentioned he knew you so personally. I mean I know you worked a lot together during the war but you certainly have priviliges." Magnus spun the mug slowly and tried not to spew his last meal. His stomach was in complete knots and he didn't know why he even brought any of this up.

"I was never one for nicknames really." Magnus took a steadying breath and forced himself to sip some coffee. It tasted as good as he remembered Alec making it. This was quickly becoming entirely too much. A door slammed distantly which seemed to bring both of them back to the matter at hand.

"I'll see if I can coax Max out of his room." Magnus stood and knew he needed something to focus on before he lost every ounce of his composure.

"Let me, really if he's more comfortable up there I don't mind. You look like you need a break." She looked unsure for a moment before nodding. He wasn't sure if it was because a warlock was about to be alone with her son or if Max was truly so unruly.

"It's the first door up the stairs. If he gets to be too much you can come get me. Max is normally even tempered but he can be a lot like Alec at times. Explosive with the right prodding." Magnus quickly left before he snapped at her for saying the name that sounded so wrong on her lips. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. Seeing Alec with a life like this hurt more than he would have imagined.

He slowly climbed the stairs and it was evident Max was in the only room that was closed. Magnus caught a glimpse of the master bedroom but firmly faced the door before he let his heart ache anymore with the bedroom Alec shared with someone else.

"Max, isn't it?" Only silence met his question and Magnus thought for a moment of what to do. He never was the best with children. "Right, Max I heard you're about sick of doctors and such." Silence again met his words and Magnus leaned his head against the closed door. He reached down and tried to turn the handle dismayed to find it was locked. "I'm not a doctor. I'm a warlock, have you ever heard of warlocks before?" There was a rustle of movement and a tiny voice finally spoke

"Warlocks can do magic, right? Are you going to put a curse on me? Are mommy and daddy sick of me? I won't get sick anymore, I swear. Just please don't do anything to me." Magnus felt the tiny promise pull at his heartstrings and he softened his voice.

"No kiddo, it's nothing like that. I'm going to try to make you better. Magic is painless I promise. I'm not going to hurt you. Just open the door and we can talk." There was a pause before the door rattled and the voice picked up it's volume and increased in fear.

"I can't open it! Why won't the door open?" Magnus frowned and tugged firmly at the seemingly locked door. When the door wouldn't budge he placed his palm against the door and felt the rippling of magic course through him before the door creaked open. The little boy leaped out of the way as the door swung open. Magnus was greeted immediately by a wall full of horses. The entire wall was covered with a mural of horses in a field. It was artfully done and absolutely breathtaking.

"How did you get it open? Was it just stuck?" Magnus tore his gaze from the art and looked down at the tiny child standing timidly by his bed. His breath caught as blue eyes exactly like his father's stared back at him. His black curls were mussed and the boy was wearing a t-shirt two sizes too big with holes in the sleeves. If he wasn't terribly mistaken that wasn't his shirt at all but his father's. Magnus smiled as his heart completely melted despite himself.

"I used magic to open it. Did you lock it?" The little boy shook his head causing his curls to fly all around.

"I don't have a lock on my door. Daddy says I'm not old enough to have a lock. I used to use it a lot when I got mad and it made them upset. Your hair is very sparkly." Magnus smiled as the boy's attention was completely captured by the blue glitter he had donned his hair with that morning.

"I like having some color in my hair."

"I do too." The firm support made Magnus's smile grow and he patted the bed next to him for Max to sit. The smaller boy gladly climbed up next to him and sat cross legged facing him.

"Is that your dad's shirt?" The question wasn't one Magnus meant to ask but the more he looked it over the more certain he was that the shirt was from a much happier time. The boy flushed a deep red and it looked just as adorable as it always had on Alec. This kid was the spitting image of his father and while it felt as if the knife kept digging in deeper it also made him yearn like he hadn't in years for Alexander to be with him.

"I wear daddy's shirts when I'm upset." The reply was quiet and Magnus looked at him again to see he was playing with a barely formed hold.

"Why were you upset?"

"They were fighting." The reply was so soft Magnus barely heard him. He decided it'd be best to stray away from the topic for the time being. He stood and the little boy scrambled against the wall. Magnus frowned in concern before kneeling beside the bed. Max immediately relaxed and looked at him with eyes full of curiosity and trust only a six year old could have.

"Why don't you lie down for me and we can see about fixing up your fevers?" Max nodded eagerly and Magnus took a deep breath before getting to work.


	3. Like I loved you

Alec finally pulled his car to a stop outside of the only place he felt any resemblance of sanity these days. He leaned his head back against the seat while taking a deep breath. Magnus couldn't be back in his life. He couldn't deal with all that again. It was too much for any mortal to handle, the warlock had said so himself all those years ago.

He got out of the car, trying not to stumble. He looked at the small house his sister owned and felt the happiness that came every time he was reminded that his little sister got her happy ending. She had gotten Simon back after months of hard work and a lot of pain. It had been hard for the two of them to completely rebuild their relationship after Simon lost his memories but they had done it and were completely happy. He heard laughter from the yard and looked over to see his neice's head poking out from a cardboard box painted a bright blue. He knew it was called a TARDIS but the reference still confused him.

"Hi Uncle Alec! Mommy and Daddy are inside making lunch. Do you want to come be a companion with me? Is Max with you?" Alec grinned truly at seeing his niece again. The little girl had every bit of her parents personality and would definitely grow to be as much of a nerd as her father, in the best ways.

"No love, Max is at home today. He'll come with me next time I promise." Tricia folded her arms in a pout but soon shrugged.

"That's alright he always insists on being the Doctor anyways. He never lets me. You should teach him to share." She disappeared again and Alec shook his head. Max had never mentioned anything about the blue box or the Doctor. He knew it was some sort of show Simon loved but had no idea what it was all about.

"Alec? Are you here?" His sister's voice carried through the house as he stepped inside. Alec sighed, his mind clouding again clouding with ghosts of the past. He was wary of telling his sister how he truly felt about Magnus being back. He knew the two of them were still very close friends.

"Hey Iz, how are you?" She slid across the floor and into his arms. He buried his nose in her hair and felt some assurance that things would never change. Izzy would always be there for him. She leaned back and took one look at him before dragging him to her bedroom. Alec absently waved to Simon who was at the island in the kitchen fixing something for Tricia to eat. His sister gently shoved him to sit on the bed as she settled on the stool to her vanity with one leg tucked underneath her. She scrutinized him closely and Alec knew within minutes he was about to get the telling off of his life.

"You've been drinking." She stated plainly and when no fervent protest came her anger grew tenfold causing her to stand in front him. "Why the hell have you been drinking? Didn't we cover this last time? Y'know the time you decided it'd be a good idea to get intoxicated out of your mind and-"

"I don't need a replay." Alec said while holding up a hand. He swallowed hard an felt his head start to spin a little as the true buzz kicked in. "I have a reason, a very good and sparkly reason."

"What could possibly-" Isabelle began before his words registered fully. "Wait, sparkly? Did you say sparkly?"

"Magnus is in town, again." The name felt like acid dripping form his tongue and Alec still felt the ache even through the haze of alcohol he had in his system.

"Oh good, he wanted to take Tricia shopping for her first year at school. Lord knows she'll have an entirely new wardrobe by the time...okay wait, how would you know, of all people, that he was back in town? Did you see him somewhere?" Alec shook his head, still in shock that all this was happening.

"No, he's with Max right now." Izzy sat down again heavily and stared at her brother, knowing this was about to be catastrophically bad.

"Emily called him for the fevers." Alec nodded slowly. The young man ran a hand roughly through his hair while tugging on the ends. His sister took a deep breath and brought a fist to her mouth.

"This is so bad Iz, so very much a disaster. He can't be around again. But he'll fix Max and then leave us alone right?"

"If he doesn't figure everything out." Alec looked at her with his face plainly full of alarm.

"After an hour with him? There's no way. I mean I know he's very clever but won't he be shocked enough by the white house and the wife and all that he might not put some pieces together." Isabelle shook her head and went to get a glass of water.

"Okay all that aside you still can't be drinking. Emily will kill you and I would help her. We're not eighteen anymore and your drinking habits have gone far beyond a night at the bar. You can't let seeing Magnus tear you apart." Alec groaned and laid back on the plush mattress. He took the glass of water offered and downed it quickly.

"It was awful seeing him again." Alec said quietly with his voice slightly choked. Izzy sat nest to him on the bed and rubbed his arm soothingly.

"You both made choices." A phone rang a jingly tune and Izzy rushed to answer it. As she swept the phone off her dresser she sighted and turned to face her brother.

"Alright I have to kick you out. Magnus is on his way over." Alec sat up quickly and groaned once more as the room spun a little.

"I can't drive like this."

"I'll call you a cab then." Alec stood and tried to sort out his shrit as much as he could.

"It'll cost a fortune." Izzy rolled her eyes and shoved money into his hand.

"Fine, I'll cover it. I'll call you later. Alec, just forget about it. There's nothing to be done about it all now. You can't just-" Alec stiffened with his hand on the knob.

"I know Isabelle. It doesn't make any of it easier." Isabelle tried to hide her flinch at his harsh tone but couldn't quite manage it. Alec felt bad, but his sister had to learn one of these days to keep her nose out of things. He swept out of the house and tried to put Magnus Bane behind him completely.

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus smoothly slid his purple Mercedes into the driveway of his best friend and barely put it in park before sliding out. His brain was completely muddled by everything he had been through since he had gotten off the plane that morning. It had been an absolute whirlwind of emotions and things he had never wanted to face again, like that fact that Alexander Lightwood had moved on from their romance. That he could never have Alec back in his life even if he wanted to because the stupid nephilim had gotten married and had a child. Though Max Lightwood had been an interesting child to meet and he had a lot of theories but most of them were completely impossible. Max Lightwood was a warlock, that much was clear and the powerful magic inside of him was causing his raging fevers. The only question was how on earth did two shadowhunters create a warlock? Unless Emily had had some sort of an affair with a demon it was impossible. It could be possible he supposed but just so unlikely.

"Magnus! Magnus, Magnus, Magnus!" The tiny voice came from inside a box in the front yard. Tricia Lewis scrambled out and stumbling ran up to her favorite uncle. Magnus barely noticed the tiny girl and barely ran a hand over the top of her head, much more intent on reaching her mother inside. Isabelle was about to have a lot to explain before he burned something down. He reached the porch steps when he heard a tiny and hurt voice cry his name one last time. He froze and turned around to see his niece looking devastated he had completely ignored her after being away most of the summer. She looked up at him with eyes matching her mother's brimming with tears and her tiny arms folded around her body. Her lip was out in an unmistakable pout and Magnus felt his heart truly melt. He loved the little girl as much as he would have a daughter of his own.

"I'm sorry," He said quietly while crouching down to her level. He met her eyes and offered a smile. "C'mere biscuit, I missed you." He opened his arms and within seconds the little girl run into them happily. Magnus swept her up and kissed her tenderly on the forehead. She snuggled into his shoulder and began telling him everything about the summer. He smiled and carried her inside where her parents were spending a rare afternoon relaxing together in the peace and quiet. Isabelle squealed when she saw him and leaped off of Simon's lap to run into her best friend's arms. Magnus barely put Tricia down and out of the way before he had her mother in his arms. He chuckled and kissed the woman on the cheek in greeting.

"Magnus, you have no idea how glad I am you're back! You're just in time to come shopping with us for Tricia's first year at school." The little girl preened in the background, evidently very proud she was finally able to start school.

"I did miss you Iz, sorry I was gone so long." Isabelle waved a manicured hand while heading into the kitchen to make the pair of them some drinks. She seemed to know Magnus would need one as soon as possible. He had every inkling Alec had gone here after rushing out his own front door.

"Did ya get me anything?" Tricia's voice piped up as she rocked on her toes in the doorway. Simon walked by and swatted her on the top of the head with his newspaper.

"Manners, Patricia! Magnus doesn't always have to bring you things. You just got a few new things last week." Tricia pouted at her father's back as he went to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water.

"But uncle Magnus always brings me something when he goes far away for a long time. Why wouldn't he this time?" Magnus exchanged a smile with Izzy. Tricia was spoiled, but no one could say she wasn't smart. Magnus spun on the stool and snapped his fingers to make a bag appear at his fingertips.

"You are a very smart girl who knows what she wants." The little girl rushed in front of him and bounced eagerly on her toes. Simon huffed and rolled his eyes. "Alright princess, close your eyes." The little face immediately scrunched up and her eyes were firmly closed. Magnus pulled out a teddy bear with a tiny shirt on it with the greece flag. He also dug out a few shirts and things. He handed Isabelle a gorgeous dress making her light up and immediately hold it up.

"Okay you can open them sweetie." Tiny brown eyes popped open and she immediately hugged the soft bear to her and grinned at the shirts laid out in front of her. She hugged Magnus tightly before wandering off to play with her bear.

"You spoil her more than we do." Simon commented as he picked up the abandoned shirts. "You also spoil my wife more than I do, which I don't know if I like." Izzy stuck her tongue out at him.

"You'll just have to keep up, Lewis." Simon shook his head fondly.

"You two are going to turn that girl into the biggest brat when she is a bit older." Magnus smiled fondly in the direction his niece had gone.

"We won't let it get too bad. She's a sweet girl." A silence fell among the three that made the middle Lightwood sibling nervous. As she started twirling her bracelet around her wrist Magnus sighed and ran a hand through his hair that was unusually plain.

"So, are we going to talk about Alec?" Two sighs met Magnus's question and Simon took a drink as well as they migrated to the lounge area. Simon and Izzy shared a couch while Magnus took the chair opposite.

"I can't talk about Alec." Izzy said quietly as she studied her glass. Magnus made an impatient noise and leaned forwards with his elbows resting on his knees.

"Alec goes and gets married to a _woman_ and we're not going to talk about it? Are you kidding me?" Izzy shook her head and still wouldn't look at him.

"Alec is happy-"

"Oh is that what we call that look he had as he practically ran out of his house this morning?" Izzy swallowed again and Simon rubbed her shoulders comfortingly. Magnus tried not to get angry, knowing his niece was only a few rooms away.

"Fine." Izzy said shortly. "My brother is the farthest from happy I've ever seen him. That doesn't mean he doesn't love Emily or that he isn't married. Alec made choices and now he's living with them."

"And you're okay with Alec being miserable to honor some stupid ritual? Did your dad blackmail him into it?" Izzy paled and untangled herself from her husband to pace the floor.

"Alec took a long time to be okay again. Things were complicated and he ended up with Emily. He loves her, that much I know."

"The way he loved me?" Magnus challenged, needing to know the answer but fearing it all the same. Izzy glared at him.

"He will never love anyone the way he loves you." The present tense escaped no one in the room.

"So he still has feelings for me?" The younger woman folded her arms and steadily gazed at him.

"He showed up here drunk today after just seeing you for two seconds. He hasn't touched a drink in years. I'd say he still has some strong feelings." Simon groaned at the mention of Alec drinking and shook his head. Izzy continued before Magnus could get his hopes up any higher. "Magnus, you need to stay away from him. Alec is barely okay as it is. He made choices and it would kill him to hurt Emily that way. I don't know if you're good for him." Magnus sat in shock and slowly felt the waves of anger roll over him.

"How can you say that? Of all people I was pretty sure you would be on my side! Alec and I were something I don't think I'll ever find again." Her eyes flashed and Magnus had a feeling he had unleashed something he didn't want to. She stalked over to him and towered over him as she pointed a shaking finger in his direction.

"You don't get to act like that. You are my best friend and I love you but I love Alec more. You left him to rot in pieces for years and he had to pick them up alone. If you even knew all he's been through... You don't get to be upset he moved on. You were out of the country while he was falling apart. I've nearly lost him so many times and you're going to sit there and..." She trailed off and Magnus felt the need to try and defend himself at least a little.

"Iz, I tried to get back together with him. I wrote him a book on my life. I gave him my heart openly and without holding back anything. He walked away from me."

"He was _scared_ out of his fucking mind! He had just been through literal hell and he was completely torn apart. The war was just ending and he was a mess. He didn't know what the fuck he wanted. You broke his heart completely and Alec is reserved as it is." She took a deep breath and he could see her visibly trying to calm down. "Look what happened between you two is awful and we all truly thought you guys would be together forever but that didn't happen. Alec is more stable with Emily. He can be with the Clave and our parents -"

"And just hide the rest of his life." Magnus finished with disgust in his voice. He stood and took a few steps towards the door. "I may not be with Alexander anymore but I know him better than anyone. He will never be happy hiding. He will never be happy pretending to live that kind of life. Alec is brave, beautiful, and so wonderful. He doesn't deserve to be under a blanket to make your parents happy. Would you have married Simon if he had remained a vampire?"

"Yes," The reply was instant and it made Simon smile even as he studied the warlock carefully.

"The Clave would have disapproved. They would look down on you the way they did on Alec."

"The Clave can kiss my-"

"But you would have Alec hide for that very reason?" Izzy frowned.

"Magnus, Alec isn't like me. He can't-"

"Have a backbone? Your brother is more than capable. He's quite amazing." Izzy shook her head and ran a hand through her hair.

"This is getting us nowhere. Just let Alec come to you if anything." Magnus shook his head as he headed for the door.

"Max is a warlock. I have no doubt Alec and I will be seeing each other again."


	4. What you don't know

**Hello! Just your friendly author here! Alright so I'm putting up a warning now and I'm sorry if it made you mad but I didn't want to spoil things from the start. So this chapter has an M-Preg mention in it. Nothing will be in detail in this story so no worries. And I had a really really hard time with the ending scene for some reason so please let me know what you think. **

**Oh, right, and nothing you recognize belongs to me!**

Alec stood on his front porch and tried to forget how twenty four hours ago the man he had once considered to be the love of his life had been on this very porch looking just as he had eight years ago. Seeing Magnus again had unlocked very unpleasant feelings and memories he had vowed to keep locked forever. He had been tortured by green eyes for years and just when the memory started to fade just a bit those eyes came walking back into his life again.

"Daddy! Are you ready to go? It/'s Sunday and that means horses! C'mon hurry up!" Max ran outside and made a bee line for his car. Alec sighed and smiled at his son's unwavering enthusiasm. They had signed Max up for riding lessons after seeing him obsess over horses for a year. He knew practically everything about the majestic animals and they had decided that Max deserved to learn how to ride if he wanted.

"He's been up since five." Emily said with a smile as she came out on to the porch with a mug of coffee. Alec smiled at her tenderly and wrapped an arm around her waist. He kissed her temple softly.

"It's like Chirstmas in July." Emily laughed and nodded in agreement. She laid a hand on his chest and looked up at him carefully.

"Are you okay? You've been up nearly as long as he has. You'd tell me if you weren't okay right?" Alec felt his gut clench at her tender, unwavering concern. He could never say he loved her as he did Magnus but that didn't mean he felt nothing. Emily had gotten him through the last six years and they had been relatively good ones. She deserved so much better than he could ever give her.

"Yeah I'm alright, just couldn't fall back asleep. I better go before our son starts climbing on the car or something. We'll see you later." He kissed her on the cheek and dutifully went over to his car to drive Max to his first lesson.

The whole way there Max chattered away while bouncing slightly in his seat. It amused Alec when his son was in this sort of mood and it never failed to make him smile.

"Max," Alec said quietly and his son immediately calmed to listen to him. Alec smiled at him and put an arm around his small shoulders. Max leaned into him happily. "You need to behave in there. You know horses spook easily and we don't want that do we?" Max shook his head fervently.

"No, I promise I'll be quiet Daddy, I'm just so excited! I can't believe I'm finally gonna ride real horses!" Alec brought the car to a stop and leaned his forehead against his son's.

"I love you and I am so excited for you. Just be sure you listen to your instructor, I know you've read a dozen books but just do what they say okay?" Max smiled and nodded. Alec pressed his lips to his son's forehead. He immediately frowned and pressed the back of his hand where his lips had been. "Do you feel okay? You're a bit warm." Max squirmed away and darted out the door.

"I'm fine, Dad! Let's go!" Alec sighed but had no choice other than to follow an excited six year old inside the barn. It was a well manicured place and as he stepped inside all he smelled was hay and manure. It was the combination that only came around horses. Max suddenly got incredibly shy at all the strange people and the fact that horses were much larger in person than they were in a book. Alec felt a small hand close around his sleeve as Max slid slightly behind him. Alec smiled gently and put an arm around him as he scanned for the instructor around somewhere.

Ten minutes later he had gotten Max situated on a gray pony and he was once again bursting with excitement. Alec leaned back on the bench and tried to keep his overwhelming thoughts quiet. He had tried to block any thoughts of Magnus out of his mind with driving as fast as his car could go and drinking far too much for any respectable shadowhunter and any other thing he could use to keep from thinking at all. Now that he was in a quiet barn with nothing and no one to distract him Magnus crept into his mind. It had been eight long years since they had shared a rooftop in Idirs. He had walked away from Magnus, too afraid and confused to step into nothingness. Magnus held no guarantees and the way he had fallen for the warlock scared him to his bones. He had decided that it was better for the both of them if he just walked away and found someone less complicated, he never did do complicated well after all. Then there had been the night he had gone to a celebratory party in Idris that had changed his entire life forever...

_Alec looked around and frowned as he realized there was no one here he actually wanted to see and his siblings had left him on his own, again. Izzy had sneaked out of the party altogether more than likely since she had been too devastated to even smile lately. Jace was disgustingly happy and he had gone off to dance with Clary. He was alone with no one to pull him out of the shell he had dug into again. He didn't know when the last time he laughed had been. He knew he had made his choices, but he was thinking more and more that he had made the wrong one. _

"_Shouldn't you at least have some wine?" The soft voice made his heart race and he wondered how it was that Magnus could always find him no matter what was going on. He bit his lip and tried not to let the older man see how much he was affected by the sandalwood scent drifting on the wind._

"_I think it's best if I don't drink honestly." Magnus chuckled and Alec could see him out of the corner of his eye. Magnus looked devastatingly handsome as he always did and Alec suddenly knew he had made a mistake. He took a deep breath and turned to face him when a young man with brown hair and green eyes stepped up to Magnus and linked their arms together. He was young, maybe even his own age and the way he looked at Magnus was so familiar it made him want to absolutely die._

"_Magnus, when can we go somewhere more private? Not a single person has even spoken to you..." The young man trailed off. His accent made it evident he was from England and it made Alec's chest hurt in a way it hadn't in awhile. _

"_This is Alec." Magnus introduced shortly as their eyes met. Alec knew it was likely Magnus could see just how much this was hurting him. Magnus always saw straight through him. Alec turned on his heel and promptly walked away, manners be damned. His mother wasn't even here after all. He heard quick steps following him until he was pushed against a wall of one of the narrow spaces between houses. Alec swallowed and made himself meet Magnus's eyes. His look was filled with regret and longing. Alec looked away sharply and bit his lip harder._

"_I didn't know you would be here. I honestly just showed as part of the council. I have the warlock seat and thought it would be good faith to be here. I never would have brought Liam-"_

"_Don't say his fucking name." Alec bit out as his heart was torn to shreds. He took a deep breath and tried to speak without his voice shaking too much. "It doesn't make it better that you just didn't want to be caught by me. Is he your new boyfriend? You move on fast I guess. Though I did always know I was never anything more than t-"_

"_If you say trivial I might have to kill you." Magnus interrupted, voice low and full of something Alec couldn't place. They had had this argument more than once and Alec had never been so sure that he had been absolutely right as he was right then. "Liam is only here for a week and I needed to bring someone to this awful party. He just was someone to have fun with. He's leaving on Thursday." Alec didn't speak and only kept looking out over the tree line. Magnus sighed and continued. "Alexander you don't get to do this to me. You can't walk away from me and be jealous that I bring someone else. You decided we weren't worth it. We are a complicated mess and you don't want complicated." Alec felt a large lump appear in his throat. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't move or think or breathe when Magnus was only a few feet away. _

"_Just stop talking." Was the only thing Alec could make himself say before he was latching his lips onto Magnus's. Their tongues battled before Magnus skillfully won and pressed Alec firmly into the smooth stone. Ale moaned as he tilted his head back to give Magnus better access to whatever he wanted. His hands wandered over the planes of a chest he knew so, so well and he dragged his nails lightly over smooth skin to make the older man moan appreciatively. He felt Magnus move his lips to his neck skillfully and he tugged on the hair coated with gel and glitter. _

"_You're a fucking tease." Magnus growled before biting him hard where his neck and collar bone met. Alec sighed and leaned his head over while nearly sobbing at the sensations finally taking over his body after so long of being apart. As Magnus went to pushing his shirt up reality hit Alec again like a ton of bricks._

"_Magnus-god– we should stop." Alec weakly pushed at his chest as he tried to even his breathing. "This is just going to mess things up more. Both of us are already so broken and messed up that if we did this-" Magnus cut him off by pressing their lips together firmly once again._

"_Just give me this." Magnus whispered against his swollen lips. "Give me one last night with you to keep. I'm going to be alive for so long and I'd like one last night to remember us by." Alec looked up into his golden green eyes full of pain and longing and pleading. He nodded and wrapped his arms around the warlock's neck._

"_Fine, one last night."_

Alec took a shuddering breath as he tore himself from memory lane. Reality was that he had met Emily who was a beautiful woman and she was an excellent mother to his son. He had a stable and predictable life and it was what he could handle. He never had panic attacks anymore and he never felt as if he was losing control. Magnus Bane was the love of his life, he knew that and had always known that but he was also too much for him to handle. It was all just too much.

A thud brought him from his musings and he looked up to see Max lying on the dirt in a heap. In an instant Alec had leapt over the fence and sprinted towards his son no matter the consequences. He dropped to his knees and frantically searched over his son's body to see what had happened.

"Max!" Alec shouted hoarsely as panic settled into his chest. "Max, baby, please wake up. Angel, just please wake up." As his hands reached his neck and face the skin nearly burnt him to the touch and he realized that the slight fever he had suspected earlier had turned into something very dangerous. He scooped him up in his arms and raced out to his car despite the protests shouted at him by the other adults in the arena. He knew exactly who Max needed. He just didn't' particularly want to see him again.

MBALMBALMBAL

The drive to Brooklyn was done in a complete haze and it was a wonder Alec got the two of them there in one piece at all. He barely parked the car before he was out and carrying Max up the twenty seven stairs to Magnus's loft. He fervently ignored every memory assaulting him as he pounded on the door with a boot.

"Magnus! Please say you're actually here!" The shout tore itself from his throat and Alec knew he was quickly losing composure. The little body in his arms squirmed a little and Max moaned softly. The old wooden door opened quickly and Alec met cat eyes for the first time in nearly a decade.

"How bad is it?" Magnus's voice was calm as he stepped aside for them to enter. Alec laid Max down on the couch and ran shaking hands through his hair. Magnus immediately knelt down and ran hands over his still body.

"He was fine when we left this morning. I thought he may be a bit warm before he got on that damn pony but all of a sudden it just spiked and he passed out. I never should have-"

"You couldn't have known." Magnus's hand was on his shoulders and Alec had to force himself to finally focus on the face in front of him. He was very close to his first panic attack in years and he hated them as much as he always had. "Alexander, go to my bathroom and fill the tub with cool water. We need to get his fever down quickly."

"An ice bath?" Alec asked wrinkling his nose. Magnus chuckled as he turned away to swipe the bangs off of Max's small forehead.

"I didn't say it would be fun." Alec nodded as he swallowed a sudden lump in his throat and quickly went to the small bathroom off of Magnus's bedroom that had a larger tub. The guest bathroom only had a tiny shower. He quickly moved through the room and tried to ignore how he felt seeing the familiar canary comforter that he had wrapped himself up in so many mornings. The smell of sandalwood filled his nose as he flicked the light on over the marble tile and knelt next to the black porcelain bathtub. He rested his head in his hands for a moment and tried to just breathe. Seeing Magnus with Max made his stomach knot up in terrible ways.

The door creaked open and Alec stood and turned to face Magnus as he carried his small son into the bathroom. Magnus lowered Max into the cold water and he immediately started to whine. The little boy's limbs thrashed around and he squirmed fervently.

"Hush, darling I know. I know it's cold." Magnus reassured as he held Max down into the water and slowly cupped water to run down his arms and chest.

"Stop," Max whined while trying to push Magnus away weakly. "It's too cold."

"It's going to help, sweetheart." Alec said, voice cracking, as he knelt next to the tub as well. It was breaking his heart to see his son like this and he wished he could make it any better in a more pleasant way.

It took fifteen minutes before Magnus was satisfied Max was no longer in danger and they could take him from the cold water. Max shivered uncontrollably as Magnus wrapped him in a large towel and lifted him out of the tub. As Alec watched the pair of them go into the bedroom he dimly heard Magnus humming an Indonesian lullaby he had heard a few times back when they were together. Seeing the two of them like this, so comfortable and Magnus being absolutely perfect with him, was too much for him to handle and Alec brushed past the two of them and let the front door slam behind him as he sat on the stairwell.

_MBALMBALMBAL_

Magnus sighed softly as Max finally drifted into a fever hazed sleep. He was so glad they had gotten his fever down quickly and hopefully it wouldn't flare up again. Containing the amount of magic Max had was taxing on a body so small. He had large amounts of magic for a boy so young. Normally the magic had to build up over a large amount of time but it seemed that had jump started in Max's situation. Alec was about to have a mess on his hands.

Speaking of Alec, Magnus had heard the door slam about ten minutes ago and he wondered what the shadowhunter was thinking. Izzy had said Alec still had feelings for him, relatively strong feelings. But, was she right? Did Alec feel the same as he had all those years ago? Could he really love him and still love his wife? Magnus wasn't sure if her could ever love anyone with the way he felt for Alec. This kind of love seemed to consume him completely.

The warlock shook his head and quietly opened his front door to the empty stairwell. Alec sat on the top step with tears falling steadily down his cheeks and in that moment it was almost as if no time had gone by. He looked just as he had eight years ago when Magnus had had the honor of calling the shadowhunter his. His face was flushed with tears and it completely broke him to see Alec so upset. He swallowed hard and awkwardly went to sit next to him on the cold stairs.

"Max is going to be just fine. Once we start his training they'll probably go away completely. All that magical energy just has nowhere to go so it kind of makes his body react badly. I won't say it's common but I've seen it happen before." Magnus bit his lip to stop his pointless rambling. Alec didn't move or indicate he had heard anything the warlock had said. The tears were still coming in steady streams and Magnus wondered if he even knew they were there at all. The past and present were colliding painfully in his mind. He wanted to take Alec in his arms right that moment, but fate had it so he absolutely couldn't. Isabelle did have a point. Alec had made choices and they would both have to live with them. "Will you just talk to me?"

"I'm a terrible person." Alec got out in a choked voice as he finally moved to wipe his tears away. "If I wasn't so selfish this wouldn't be happening to him. Max would never be going through this if I hadn't been so damn afraid of my own shadow. I've hurt him and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself."

"Alexander, stop that." Magnus's hand had moved seemingly of its own will to rest on Alec's upper arm gently. The lithe body was shuddering beneath him with sobs the younger man couldn't control. "You had no idea he was magical. He doesn't even have a warlock's mark which is strange. You did nothing to hurt him and now you're only helping him by bringing him to me, even if you hate me." Alec's tears seemed to abruptly stop in complete shock as he looked at Magnus with clear, red rimmed eyes, the blue shining as much as it always had. Magnus could never, ever, get enough of those eyes.

"I could never hate you. Angel, I think it might just kill me to hate you." Silence fell between them and Magnus thought he felt Alec lean into his light touch. He wanted so desperately to ask so many questions on how he had ended up with Emily and a white picket fence house. How he had ended up moving on in the end. Hoe he had stopped the feelings they had sworn would never die.

"How did you meet Emily?" The question was one of the more simple ones he had been itching to ask. He didn't know if he would ever have Alexander alone again and he had to find out as much as he could. They had to let Max sleep after all.

"I met her in Los Angeles actually. They had this huge demon outbreak out there and they asked for help. Jace and I went to help and then we met Emily. She's an amazing shadowhunter. We both love archery and reading. It was the first time I had spoken to anyone besides Jace and Izzy." Alec spoke quietly to his knees and couldn't seem to bring himself to look at Magnus again for which the warlock was grateful. Those eyes were to be his undoing. "I never meant to love her. I just wanted a friend and then she fell for me."

"So after all the heartache you ended up being bi in the end anyways." Magnus said with a wry laugh. He hated himself for how he was acting. He was longing to be honest with the young man before him. He wanted to just bare forth the fact he wasn't all too sure he could live like this for the rest of his existence.

"No, actually I'm not. I have never slept with her." Magnus raised an eyebrow and leaned forwards..

"You've been married for six years and you have a son with her. How is not sleeping with her an option? Max is most definitely your son Alexander, the resemblance is uncanny really.." Magnus watched as his adam's apple bobbed and the silence grew thick once again. Alec wrung his hands together as he spoke quietly once again.

"She got raped a bit before I met her. He really scared her and she can't stand to be touched beyond her hands most of the time, at least skin to skin contact. She's in therapy and things now. It's been awful for her and probably partly why she likes me so much. I've never pressured her for anything." Alec ran a hand through his hair as a self deprecating note crept into his voice. "She thinks I'm a saint. If she only knew what is really going on."

"So Max isn't hers..." Magnus said slowly as he processed what this all meant. Alec didn't love Emily. He didn't kiss her and touch her and shag her. It wasn't like that. Alec didn't love her like that. Was Max adopted? It was possible, though the resemblance was still uncanny.

"No," Alec's voice was choked and he sounded very close to tears once again. Magnus wanted to press him for answers to the questions racing through his mind but knew Alec would answer in his own time. The younger man's hands shook where they rested in his lap and on instinct Magnus reached over to gently take Alec's hand in his. "I'm a fucking terrible person, Magnus. It's probably better that I left you. I'm way too much of a coward to ever deserve you."

"Don't." Magnus said sharply, though he wouldn't remove his grip from the slender hands he had memorized long ago. "You leaving was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. That has quite a bit of weight to it considering. I thought I told you years ago to quit talking like that." Alec gave his hand a squeeze before pulling away.

"You don't even know what I've done to you, to Max, to everyone I care about nearly. I've lied to all of you and it was all because I'm a coward."

"Just tell me what you're talking about! God Alexander, I'm as in love with you now as I was then." Blue eyes widened in shock before Alec looked away again to stare down the dark stairwell.

"I don't know if I can tell you. I never thought I'd ever see you again. I thought you'd left for good." His voice was full of sadness and Magnus was once again fighting the urge to slip his arms around him. "But, you're here and you need to know. Max is a warlock and Emily never dealt with demons. He's... he's your son, Magnus"


	5. You give what you give

**Well Hello!**

**The reaction to this story is completely amazing! Thank you for your kind reviews! They really spur me to write faster. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! **

**Okay so in this chapter I attempted a southern accent which I probably failed at. Just warning you.**

**One last thing, Alec gets a bit upset in this chapter and I hope you all understand he's going through a lot right now. Magnus has his head all fuzzy and out of sorts. **

**Okay and before you all freak out Magnus will have a lot more to say regarding all this. He's processing this in his own way and next chapter will have more of his reaction. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope you all know me by now enough to know I don't do simple :)**

**Okay DISCLAIMER Nothing belongs to me! **

Alec slammed the trunk of the car and sighed in relief to be done unpacking at last. Every year they come up here it seemed as if they brought more and more stuff. They had started the tradition four years ago of spending the last weekend of summer up at a cabin they rented. It was remote and right by a gorgeous lake with tons of activities like canoeing and go-karts. The kids always had a blast and the adults got to catch up properly. The group hardly ever got together all at once since their lives were so hectic.

"Can they bring any more crap?" Jace asked as he trudged by with another load of bags from their car. Alec shook his head and grinned. The best part about coming all the way out here was that they couldn't' be reached by the city. None of them got much reception all the way out here and since the ones they loved were all in one spot it was never much of a problem. Magnus had been calling him dozens of times since they had spoken a week ago and Alec had finally told him the truth about Max. He knew avoiding him was the worst thing to do right then but he just didn't know how to talk to him about all of this. He had never really planned to see Magnus again and now that he had things were complicated. He dreamed about the warlock every night since their reunion in unsavory situations and it made a knot of guilt arise in his stomach and stay there. Having these kinds of feelings again was just wrong when he had a family to think about. The time to be selfish was long over.

"Sorry we're late!" Izzy called as she climbed out of their car with sunglasses perched on her head. Her pale skin shone in the sunlight as she took a deep breath of fresh air and a dazzling smile broke out on her face. "I think I forget every year how beautiful this place really is. It's just gorgeous."

"Tricia don't run! And come grab a bag if you're going up there." Simon called to his daughter as he opened their bulging trunk as well. He sighed when he was completely ignored inf favor of her cousins. Max was busy setting up a telescope he'd gotten the previous Christmas on the back part of the porch and the Herondale twins, Madison and Ben were eagerly hugging their younger cousin and swinging her up and around. The twins were just turning ten. Jace and Clary had ended up adopting them six years ago as they came into the institute as just a few of the destitute orphans that had resulted from the war. Their parents had both been turned to the Endarkened army. Clary still was planning on having a kid of her own soon, when she could get Jace to agree to take on one more kid. Jace was a great father overall Alec had to say. He wasn't too sure how Jace would handle raising kids, but Jace had risen above his expectations and had enjoyed it even. The twins were getting their first Marks in two years and Alec could safely say Jace couldn't wait. Ben was already talented with throwing knives and sparring. Madison was quieter and had learned Clary's love of drawing.

"God, I haven't been camping in ages. I think the last time was with Ragnor and we didn't last long. By the second night we had said 'screw it' and got a motel." The next voice floating out of the backseat of the nearby SUV made Alec's heart stop completely. Magnus's long legs finally came in view as he slid down from the right back side and closed the door. He was dressed as he always was even when going camping.

"Does he always look like that? I mean, it's stylish but he may get a thing or two ruined with this lot." Emily had come up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. Alec was still too frozen to speak but was saved by his sister coming over.

"Em! When did you guys get here? Don't you just love it more every year." Izzy pulled his wife into a tight hug and the two of them made their way inside the large cabin with two suites within it. It slept twelve easily and made for a comfortable weekend in the woods. Alec bit his lip as he was left alone with Simon and Magnus. The warlock caught his eye and raised an eyebrow before he was attacked by three excited children. Tricia had been in the lead and was wrapped around his legs while Maddie had latched her arms around his neck in a tight hug. Ben hung back but had a grin on his face to see Magnus again. The warlock was more than a little popular with the younger crowd.

"Shove over you two, I haven't seen him the longest! The last time he was around I was away with Dad in Florida." Ban called impatiently and the two girls reluctantly stepped aside so he could give his uncle a proper hug. Magnus smiled and hugged them all tightly, laughing and joking the entire time. Alec saw Max hanging back with a longing look on his face. His son was quiet like he had always been and never pushed his way to be first at anything. He was a very reserved little boy except when he was alone with Alec. His cousins seemed to overbear him with their loud and boisterous mannerisms. He had become extremely fond of Magnus very quickly through their lessons. They met most afternoons for a few hours until dinner. The fevers had gone and all three Lightwoods were so grateful.

"Hey sweetheart," Magnus said quietly to Max as the other three ran off back to the cabin, shouting to go swimming. Max lit up and hugged Magnus tightly. Magnus kissed his curls softly and Max put his arms up to be carried to Alec's surprise. He was a bit old to still be carried so often but it made Max feel better and he never asked anyone except for Alec, until now it seemed. Alec turned away feeling nauseous suddenly and ready to murder his sister.

He found Isabelle on the back porch as Simon took the kids down to the water. She had a sangria in her hand and looked completely relaxed. Alec didn't want to ruin her tranquility, but only felt so bad considering she had ruined any chance he had had of a relaxing weekend.

"So, you thought inviting Magnus was a good idea then?" His sister jumped and looked at him with guilt clouding her features. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and took a long drink.

"He's just gotten back and we all missed him so much. I just, he's lonely these days. Ragnor is gone now and Cat has been busy with a new guy abroad. I thought it'd be nice is all. I know you two are awkward but you'll have to get over it eventually since Max is going to be with him so much. He's not bad just as a friend." Alec gave a yell of utter frustration as he ran both hands through his hair roughly.

"Are you kidding me right now? You seriously think we can just be friends? He's the father to my child Isabelle! I told him, well not everything but he know Max is his. He knows my marriage is a complete act and every time he looks at me... I can't have this be happening. Emily has no idea of anything and I just can't hurt her like this. Magnus was never supposed to be around again. He was supposed to stay wherever the fuck he went for years!" Isabelle set her drink down as her jaw dropped slightly. She sat in a lounge chair and gestured for Alec to sit across from her.

"You told him? How did he take it? What did he say about it all? Oh my god, Alec this is huge. Are you going to get back with him?" Alec shook his head in wonder and tried not to panic.

"I don't know what he thinks of it all. We got interrupted right after I told him by Max waking up. He had one of his fever spells." Izzy nodded in understanding. "I left and have been avoiding him for the last week or so. I just, I don't know if I'm ready for all this. We were so back and forth before and now I have Max. I can't disrupt his life for someone who is there when he wants to be. I just don't know if we are good for each other." Alec swallowed hard past the lump in his throat. "Besides, Iz, how could he not hate me after all of this? I left him and then I kept a son from him for six years. We had a million problems between us that won't just disappear now."

"You're just scared." Isabelle said fiercely. "You're scared of what the two of you could be. I know you are because I was too. Simon is so patient with me before we had Tricia. I pulled and pushed so much that it's a wonder we made it. But Alec, I made it. I'm so in love with that man that it's ridiculous. I'm still afraid that we'll wake up one day and be completely incompatible all of a sudden. You can't just stop yourself loving him because you're afraid of losing him someday. Haven't you learned yet that the past doesn't matter?"

"What on earth would I even tell Emily who has loved me when I haven't deserved it? I've been an alcoholic for half of our marriage and now you want me to just reveal to her that I never felt that way about her? How can I-" Alec's breathing became erratic as he thought of how this could all play out. He could end up alone again. He could end up back in the Institute alone. Back to aching and wondering and wishing. He never wanted to be that lonely again, he couldn't bear it. "Do you see what he does to me? I haven't had a panic attack in years. I just can't handle being with him. God, Izzy seeing him again is killing me." Alec tried to control his breathing to be even again but it wasn't working very well. His anxiety had been bad for years and years. Magnus knew that well after the dozens of panic attacks he had helped him through. Some had been mild but most had left him shaking and gasping for air. He staggered to his feet and made a beeline for the shower while everyone was down at the lake. He heard his sister calling after him but he had to be alone just then. He had to sort this out.

MBALMBALMBAL

The warm water soothed his muscles and made him relax enough to make his breathing even again. This was absolutely insane, all of it. How did the simple boy reading books in the back of their library grow up to be the guy in a fake marriage in love with an enigmatic man who might just destroy him? He had read these kinds of messed up story lines in books years ago and they made it seem much more simple on paper. In those books, the choice was always so obvious and easy. In books the one they ended up with swept in and made it so there no choice at all. He was kind and charismatic and made sure the other person was okay. It also helped that the choice was between two of the same gender. Magnus was those things he had to admit, except he was so afraid of their future. They had so many things to work out that just couldn't be solved easily. They had his raging jealousy and the immortality issue along with numerous trust issues on both their parts.

He slammed the water off with his fist and resolved to not make any rash decision this weekend. If Magnus wanted to be here, fine. He could hang out with Clary and Izzy and his nieces and nephews. He had more than enough people to keep him occupied for the next three days. He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel tightly around his waist. He wiped the condensation off the mirror and nearly screamed as he saw a tall figure lounging in the only chair in the master suite bathroom. He struggled not to make a sound and whirled to face the warlock head on. Magnus had a smirk on his lips as he eyed him appreciatively. Alec gulped and tried to keep his knees under him..

"W-what are you doing in here? I-I was taking a shower for Angel's sake." Alec stuttered as he kept a firm grip on his towel. Magnus's smirk only grew and he shifted to get more comfortable.

"I don't take well to being completely ignored. I'm waiting for the full story of how this all happened. I figured you wouldn't go running away in a towel. You've always been modest like that." At the reference to their past together Alec felt the lump return unbidden. He knew he must seem like a crazy person lately with his emotions absolutely everywhere.

"I love how you think ambushing me in a bathroom is any way to get me to talk to you." Magnus stood with his eyes flashing.

"I've tried calling you like a civil person dozens of times you've ignored. You can't just drop on me that Max is my son and not say another word!" Alec opened his mouth in anger but realized quickly how hard it was to be angry in only a towel. He fixed a glare on Magnus and rolled his eyes.

"Can't you at least help me out and give me a robe? I can't even talk to you like this!" Magnus sighed but obliged with his request. Alec felt trapped but knew it was only fair. Magnus had to have a million questions and he'd have to answer them. Alec took a deep breath. "I have a wife. You can't just call me whenever. I can't explain to her why a man I've never even mentioned is suddenly my best friend calling me every day. Not to mention I have a six year old and I am still a full time shadowhunter. I'm significantly more busy than I was at eighteen. Besides, it serves you right for the hundreds of times I called you after our night in Idris." Magnus's eyes widened slightly as the warlock realized just what night he was referring to. Their last night together before they had parted ways for eight long years. "I did try to tell you. You just never picked up your phone."

"Is...is that when it happened then? When you got pregnant?" Alec sighed again and as he retold the events they seemed to play in front of his eyes.

_Alec sat shaking in the living room of some strange warlock he had looked up. He had never heard of this man before but he knew that whatever was wrong with him the warlock could fix, or at least he hoped. He had felt nauseous for weeks and tired all of the time. It felt like he slept more than he was awake. He wasn't one to whine about not feeling well but he just felt as if something wasn't right. He had come here in secret and only hoped this wasn't something he was going to have to share with his family. Izzy had been more than a little worried about him lately since he hadn't stopped crying for what felt like moths. It was always in the darkest part of the night that he let himself miss Magnus Bane. It tore at him more than ever, even if it was his own fault they weren't together. He had the notebook Magnus wrote. Magnus had left it on the steps of the Institute a week after he had last seen him. Alec had read it several times by now, each page turned tenderly and tears stained the delicate pages more often than not. _

"_Alright, well ya ain't dyin'." The warlock came into the room, his purple skin reflecting softly in the dim light. He was from the south somewhere and his accent was still strange to Alec who had never been around anyone who wasn't born and raised in New York. He felt a bit of tension leave him as he sank back into the couch he was perched on._

"_Well, what's wrong with me?" Alec's voice shook still even though he now knew he would live to see nineteen after all. "You didn't say I was perfectly fine."_

"_Well, that would depend on your definition of fine." The warlock, Benedict he thought his name was, said slowly. He stroked his white beard thoughtfully as he examined the papers he held in his hand. "I ain't the first warlock you met, am I?" _

"_Well, n-no." Alec mentally prepared himself to say the name he hated to even think. "I was around Magnus Bane for a bit, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Why, he hasn't cursed me or anything has he? We didn't part on the best of terms but he isn't really like that." Benedict laughed and set the papers down. His silver eyes met Alec's and Alec felt as if this wasn't about to be easy._

"_I'd say you were very closely around him if this is anything to go by. You were his lover?" Alec flushed a dark red and spluttered before figuring he may as well be as honest as he could._

"_Y-yeah, for a bit." Benedict studied him for a long moment before looking away down at his papers. _

"_You know magic is extraordinarily dangerous, don't ya? Even a High Warlock can't control everything magic does. Would there be any reason his magic might be a bit more unpredictable than normal? A traumatic event? Anything?" Alec nodded slowly, trying not to think about the hell Magnus had had to endure in Edom. "Well magic is an active presence inside of every warlock. It isn't passive or something to be controlled. It's a very tricky business trying to channel magic to our whims. Your boyfriend is more talented than most but even he makes mistakes. When warlocks are vulnerable our magic can sense the advantage it has and it's wont to do unpredictable things. It looks like some desire of his manifested itself in his magic and you ended up with his child." Alec sat in complete shock and felt as though he might just faint. With child? Was this Benedict guy trying to honestly tell him that he, a bloody man, was pregnant? This guy had to be absolutely crazy. There was no absolute way this could be real. _

"_That isn't possible." Alec said hoarsely as he stared at the purple skinned man. "Men don't carry children. It just doesn't happen. Magnus wouldn't want a kid with me. We, well, I mean we were lovers or whatever, but half the time we fought. He couldn't trust me. Why would he want this?"_

"_It was probably an subconscious want. He probably wasn't aware of it. I can show you if you'd like?" Alec nodded numbly and with a gentle hand on his shoulder he way lying back to stare at a cracked ceiling. The warlock rested a gentle hand on his stomach and suddenly a holographic image appeared in the air above him. It was an ultrasound more or less without the cold gel or monitors. A tiny blob was curled in a ball while around him the air seemed to pulse and a quiet beating could be heard. It was unmistakably a heartbeat. Alec felt tears spring to his eyes and he knew this was too much. He couldn't deal with this. He lurched up and away from Benedict, breathing heavily. The warlock watched him with pity and pushed a stack of papers towards him. _

"_Son, I put together some things. There''s prices for keeping it or terminating it. It has instructions on how to take care of yourself and the baby. If ya want to keep it I can make the pregnancy safe for you. I've done this a time or two before believe it or not. Accidents happen when magic is involved young shadowhunter." Alec had stopped listening and numbly grabbed the papers while heading back out into the rain that had been pouring all morning. He leaned against the side of a building a few blocks away and yanked out his phone. He dialed the number from memory and waited for the expected voice mail to answer._

"_You better call me back you bastard! I hate you for this. I can't believe you would do this! If you ever come back to New York I'm going to have a few things to say to you!" Alec's screams died as the reality descended. He was pregnant with Magnus's kid, a child that had both their genes. A bit of the both of them would be in the world in a short amount of time. It was amazing, and terrifying and completely magical. He was completely alone with this. Izzy had Simon to deal with. Jace was learning to take over the Institute by himself, Clary barely being experienced enough for any of it. His parents didn't speak to him, or each other. He was completely alone and lost without Magnus by his side. By the Angel, why had he walked away like that? "Magnus, please come home. I know what I said and what I did to you was awful. If you ever loved me, please come home. I need you for this one. I'm always going to need you."_

Alec's voice grew hoarse as he finished the story. "From there it's pretty straight forwards. I had to keep it because I couldn't get rid of the last part of you I had." He was staring at the white tile, absolutely sure he'd never finish this tale with Magnus in front of him. He didn't want to see his expression. "The bills Benedict charged were pretty outrageous. You always did warn me warlocks were expensive. I was completely over my head so I went to my dad who definitely had more money than Mom after their divorce. It wasn't fun and he still hates me just about. He yelled a lot and then lectured me before agreeing to help me. When I met Emily he made me think Max needed her. It was like being shoved back into being fourteen again and being terrified of what I was. It was stupid but I was so lonely and I let him convince me." He heard Magnus shift and cut him off before he could speak. "I know it was pathetic and I don't' know why I ever listen to him. I know this was the dumbest situation I could have gotten into. I was more afraid of being alone than anything. And by the Angel I missed you more than anything I had ever known and it was just not going away."

"I missed you as well, darling." Magnus's voice was choked and when Alec looked up Magnus had tears rolling down his cheeks. Alec sucked in a breath and wanted to hug him. He wanted to feel those arms around him one more time. He wanted to breathe in that sandalwood smell he had fallen asleep to for months. He ached for it tangibly and wasn't sure how long he would resist. "You've been so brave. I am so proud of you. It must have been terrifying for you."

"Don't be like this," Alec begged of him as he stubbornly fixed his gaze over the warlock's shoulder. "Please just be angry with me or something. I was awful to keep Max from you for so long. Iz told me when you would come around. I could have stopped by but I was scared. It was stupid but I thought that maybe you wouldn't want me after walking away like I did. I can't – you aren't supposed to forgive me – I – " Magnus held up a hand calmly and Alec fell silent. The emotions washing over him were so intense he could barely stand it.

"I don't know what I feel right now." Magnus said quietly, steadily keeping his gaze. "Undoubtedly, I feel angry for what you kept from me. But, on the other hand, I wasn't exactly approachable and had I even bothered to listen to any of your voicemails I would have been here in a moment. Alec, being pregnant at nineteen is terrifying for anyone and you are not an exception. You've done so well with Max." Magnus finally met his eyes straight on and Alec couldn't tear his eyes away from him even if he wanted to. "Let me make this perfectly clear. No matter what I think or what you or I have done, I will always want you Alexander Lightwood. Always. There is no part of me that will not want every part of you I can get." Alec was nearly sure he would pass out from lack of oxygen. He couldn't breathe when Magnus looked at him like that. He felt his breathing hitch and suddenly became aware of tears finally breaking free of the dam he always kept them behind and rolling down his face. He couldn't pretend anymore that this wasn't killing him and that Magnus being here didn't make him feel utterly crazy. He had been high and low and everywhere inbetween. He had been tense for weeks, praying his wife wouldn't figure the whole thing out somehow. Magnus was as perfect as he always was and it was killing him to be close enough to touch the warlock but having to keep his hands to himself.

As his knees just about gave out he found strong arms around him and all he could smell was sandalwood as he pressed his nose into Magnus's chest and cried. He cried for every opportunity they had lost over the last eight years. He cried for every time he had had to hold it together when he had wanted to fall apart. Magnus's hand smoothed over his back in rhythmic circles to try and calm him even as he muffled his sobs into the fabric of Magnus's shirt. He bit down on his thumb and knew that he had to get it together before someone heard him. They may all be down by the lake now but soon enough they would come back inside to get ready for bed.

"Stop," Magnus said softly as he tugged Alec's fist away from his mouth. A broken sob broke though with no barrier to stop it and his knees did give out this time so the warlock lowered them to the floor. "Darling, let it out. You'll feel better, I promise."

"I can't." Alec gasped as he tried like hell to make the tears stop. He wiped at them furiously and tried to stare at the bright lights over the sink. "I have to go tuck Max into bed soon and then climb in bed with my wife. I can't just forget about them and act like I'm eighteen again." He gently cupped the warlock's face and wiped the tracks of tears off his smooth, tan cheeks. He settled against the familiar chest for a moment as he caught his breath. He hiccuped softly and leaned into the hand still gently rubbing his back.

"How long have you been holding that in?" Magnus asked softly. Alec sighed and ran a hand over his hair.

"Don't worry about it. I need to go." He tried to stand only to stumble and have to steady himself against the vanity. He looked at his red face in the mirror and felt completely disgusted. How could he cry and hang onto Magnus when he was the one who had done all the damage? Was he still punishing Magnus for their stupid break up all those years ago? Was he that petty?

"Stop this," Magnus said firmly as he placed hands on his waist to steady him, also effectively trapping him against the vanity. "You are going to make yourself sick with all this guilt and everything. This is no way to live Alexander. Are you going to deny yourself the pleasure of touch for the rest of your life? This isn't' you and it's just not healthy."

"Stop coddling me!" Alec said angrily, grateful for the new emotion that made the tears finally stop. "God, Magnus, are you a glutton for punishment? I hurt you and hurt you and all you do is come back here and be nice to me! Look, I fucked up and I have to live with this. That's how it is, and how it has to be!"

"Is that what your family keeps telling you?" Magnus asked as he finally backed away with his hands in his pockets. His green eyes were swirling and Alec could see the sadness in their depths. He sucked in a breath and wondered how he could still know him this well.

"It's what Izzy always says. She's right though, I've made commitments I have to keep to people."

"Not if it's going to destroy you completely. Alexander, people make mistakes but it doesn't mean they never deserve to be happy again. You deserve to be happy." Silence fell between them and Alec felt like he was in a dream again. He never imagined he's be in the same room with Magnus again. He never thought he'd get to smell him again. Never thought he'd get to feel his touch and have him reassure him again. It was so wonderful and Alec never wanted to wake up.

"Are you still in there? Geez, and I thought the girls would be bad enough!" Jace hollered from the other side of the door as his fist banged on it loudly. Alec tried to unstick his throat to reply but was having an awfully hard time doing that when he wasn't sure what would come out if he unclenched his jaw.

"I'm in here, blondie!" Magnus called back. "Give me ten minutes!" Jace grumbled but eventually the pair heard him wander down the hall.

"Thank you." Alec said quietly. He shifted awkwardly and gathered his things before going to the door. "I don't know where this leaves us."

"We have a son." Magnus said quietly. "I'd say this leaves us somewhere."

"I have to go," is all Alec can say before he slips out into the hall and into his bedroom.


	6. Ignorance is Bliss

**Hello dear, dear readers! I know the wait was a bit longer and I'm very sorry. But on the plus side you got a two parter! So I've gotten a few questions about Max's age and while I still might have made an error I figure it like this. I always think Men have pregnancies longer than women because it must take their bodies longer to adjust and develop and things. So I figure Alec was pregnant for a full twelve months. Plus I did plan on Max being nearly seven as his birthday is coming up. So I hope that closes most of the gap and if not I am sorry to have made such a hole in this story already. **

**Please please review if you have anything to say, I love them so much!**

**Nothing belongs to me!**

Magnus was quite unused to waking up in a houseful of people. He was used to it just being himself and his cat around in the morning. At one time Alec was around and that had been wonderful but he had never been one to be around numerous people after he had just woken up. The house was already full of chatter when he managed to stumble out of his room and find his way to the main area where a large table housed most of the cabin's occupants already. The crowd in the kitchen was loud and boisterous, excited for the tubing trip they took every summer. Izzy was humming around the kitchen and serving up pancakes Simon had made onto plates. She wore a bikini and was ready to hit the water already. Simon was dressed in swimwear also and was trying to calm Tricia down. The little girl was frightfully upset she wasn't old enough to go with the rest of them tubing. Jace and Clary were trying to get the twins organized but Madison was yelling that Ben had stolen her bathing suit top on purpose just so she couldn't go on the trip.

"Morning," Magnus was startled when a warm weight settled on his lap and a tiny head rested on his chest. He glanced down to see black curls and felt his breath catch momentarily. Since he had found out that Max was related to him he had been studying every inch of the boy. He could see some of the mannerisms they shared and the nose. An ache rose every time he thought of how much he missed out on of his son's life. He had missed so many firsts and regretted it. He had never known any better but it didn't make it any better.

"Morning, love." Magnus said as he wrapped an arm around the boy who snuggled into him more securely. Max was as much of a cuddler as his father and seemed to crave touch as much as he could get. He saw the little boy sneak a thumb into his mouth after glancing around to see that his parents weren't in the room. Magnus's heart threatened to completely burst and he held the boy even closer. "Should we practice some magic today? We need to get back to work on that soon."

"Okay," Max mumbled around his thumb, still only half awake. He reluctantly parted with the digit as he sat up straighter to look at Magnus with his piercing blue eyes. "Can it be after the tubing trip? I think Dad is gonna let me go! Are you coming?" Max's features took on a pleading look filled with hope he'd say yes. Magnus sighed and felt himself giving in. Honestly he had wanted the morning to himself to think about all that had happened and get his thoughts together to talk to Alec later

"Come eat some breakfast, sweetie." Emily said as she entered the kitchen and started helping Izzy with making pancakes for everyone. Max sighed softly but got off of the warlock's lap and settled next to Ben, who was in quite a bit of trouble with Clary.

"Benjamin Herondale, if you don't quit this nonsense right now I'll make you stay here and study. Now give your sister her top so she can get ready. We have to leave in twenty minutes!" Ben sighed and got up to go fetch the top from wherever he hid it. Madison smirked in triumph and followed. Silence fell as the two children ate and the adults didn't quite know what to say.

"So, should I come on this tubing business?" Magnus asked, carefully avoiding Emily's silver gaze. He didn't know how to feel about the blonde in the way of him claiming the family that was right in front of him. He knew Alec was stressed and unsure, but at the same time Magnus unequivocally knew that they could work this all out if they just had time without barriers around all the time.

"Um, yes?" Izzy said as she finally sat down next to Magnus. She swept her hair over her shoulder before tucking into her breakfast. "It's only one of the best parts of this trip. There's rapids and bunches of fun. You have to experience it! C'mon Magnus, when is the last time you actually tried something new?" Magnus hummed in response as his eyes fixed on the Lightwood who had just entered the kitchen dressed in jeans and a tight black shirt. Well, tight for Alec anyways. He could actually see some sort of figure underneath the fabric.

"Are you seriously ditching the trip?" Jace asked as he gulped down a glass of orange juice rather than an actual breakfast. Alec flushed as he picked up his son who had run over to greet him.

"I think Em and I are going to stay here with Max and Tricia. We'll check out the go-karts or something." Alec said quietly as he stuck a bagel in the toaster and leaned against the counter, avoiding Magnus's gaze avidly. The warlock felt his breath catch just seeing him and longed for the days when he had enough claim to go over and wrap his arms around him and make him smile. A scowl came on his face as Emily did just that, except when she did it there was no dazzling smile produced.

"You said I could go!" Max protested loudly from his father's arms. He squirmed and Alec sighed as he set his son down. "You told me I could go this year! I'm almost seven now and I'm old enough to go! I want to go!"

"Oh lord, here we go." Magnus heard Jace mutter as he passed the table. "I'd rather listen to Ben and Madison fight then deal with a Max tantrum. Not to mention he'll get Tricia started all over again if Alec or Emily gives in. I'll be outside if anyone needs me." Clary followed her husband outside to wait while Magnus decided to settle back and watch. He had only gotten to see the good sides of Max thus far and if he was going to be his father, well he may as well get to see the bad sides as well.

"Max, I know what we said but I think it's still too dangerous. You just barely learned to swim last summer and if anything were to happen and you ended up in the water-" Max stomped his foot and crossed his little arms tightly.

"We wear the funny looking orange things! They keep you floating is what Uncle Jace said! I'm not a baby anymore and I don't want to stay here again! I want to GO!" Max's whine ended in a shout and Magnus could see the signs of Alec's anger growing. He pursed his lips and waited to see how this would play out.

"Max, you know perfectly well with that tone you'll get nowhere with me." Alec said firmly while also crossing his arms with a stern look at his son. Magnus felt a slight thrill at the first real evidence of Alec parenting. Dare he say it was a bit of a turn on in a strange way? Alec rarely took charge of anything and the note of complete authority in his voice was a welcome surprise.

"But Dad!" Max's whine was back in full force. "You said on the way up here I could go! You can't just take it back!" Max ended his last protest with a weak slap to Alec's leg.

"Cut the tone right now!" Alec's tone got firmer and a frown had appeared on his face. "Right now you're acting like a baby so I'm thinking I should treat you just like one. Would you rather spend the day in your room?"

"No!" Max wailed as tears appeared. Magnus felt his eyebrows rise. Well, Max had certianly got his dramatic flair. "It's not fair!"

"Alec, you did say he could go." Emily said softly as she walked in the room. "Besides he''ll have five adults with him the entire time." Alec gaped at her while Max cheered and hugged her legs tightly. The smallest Lightwood dashed off to change and Magnus held his breath for the storm to fall.

"What was that?" Alec snapped as he snatched his bagel out of the toaster. "You just completley undermine me? First of all, Max can barely swim and if he fell it could be disastrous. Second, he was throwing a tantrum which I'm trying to get him not to do anymore." Emily sighed and turned on the water to start the dishes. Magnus could almost consider this a look into their marriage and he knew the mistakes Emily was making. He had made them himself time and again. Alec hated being overstepped and undermined.

"It's our vacation Alec, you can't punish him on vacation. It just wasn't worth it." Alec slammed a drawer shut as he got out a knife to spread peanut butter on his bagel.

"This is why he acts like this in the first place! You can't just let him away with it every time he doesn't like something we say. For the record I _don't_ think this is a good idea. I think we should wait another year to let him go." Emily sighed and turned to lean her hip against the counter and look at Alec.

"Alec, just calm down. He just got over being sick for months and months. He just wants to have some fun with someone other than his four year old cousin. I'm sorry I went against you but I just think there's no point letting him throw a tantrum here. Besides, what if it causes his magic to hurt him again?" Suddenly it hit Magnus that this should be their conversation. He should be in Emily's shoes arguing over their son. Emily had no right to his son. She had no damn right to be deciding anything.

He swept out of the room in anger and slammed the screen door behind him. He hadn't felt the anger yet Alec had kept mentioning he should feel. He had only felt awful the his blue-eyed shadowhunter who had had to go through it alone. He had felt empathy, but after seeing Emily trying to be a parent to his son he saw red. He saw every fucking _minute_ he had lost with the family he should have had and it was killing him.

Magnus had never banked much on family. His own growing up was less than stellar and after that he'd been sort of a loner. The Silent Brothers were never one to promote family and after he left their care all he had had was his cat. Chairman was the closest thing he had ever had to family. That cat was it besides Alexander. Alec had come into his life and never left. The boy had snuggled into his heart, and his bed, without him even realizing. One minute he had only his own belongings strewn across his loft and the next minute he kept finding black shirts and a toothbrush on his sink. He had never known someone who so effortlessly made himself part of someone else's life. They had bickered and loved, and cried and laughed together over a whirlwind of months before it was all over in a subway tunnel.

Breaking up with Alexander had nearly killed him after the anger had faded. He had been truly angry for a long time after what Alec had done and then he had just been afraid and utterly stubborn. He had never felt loneliness like the first night he laid awake staring at his ceiling and hoping Alec would just barge over. He wanted Alec, but at the same time he was so scared to love him any more than he already did.

He had gotten past it over his ordeal in Edom and had wanted Alec with a fierceness that couldn't be rivaled. He had put his heart on a silver platter and offered it up to his young love. He knew Alec had every right to turn from him after what he had put him through. Alec had changed,anyone could see that.

After more heartbreak Alec was here, right in front of him, but more untouchable than ever before. He was here and still in love with him if he read between the lines right. They had a son and things just didn't get much better.

Except for the fact that he was married

"Are you alright?" Izzy's voice came behind him Magnus froze and tried to way lay his anger but was finding it wasn't working very well.

"No, I'm so far from alright Isabelle." He whirled to face her with his fingers shooting sparks. He took a deep breath and tried to control his mounting anger.

"Magnus, what's going on?" She had a pretty frown on her face and it was rare Magnus ever snapped at her but right now he had to take this overwhelming anger out on someone and while Alec was mostly responsible Isabelle had a hand in it.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Magnus asked angrily. "Why wouldn't you tell me about Max? You are one of my closest friends and you didn't tell me I had a son." Izzy pursed her lips and folded her arms tightly.

"It wasn't my place."

"Are you kid-"

"No, hear me out." Izzy said as she held up a hand. "Alec was so sick while he was pregnant that he was bedridden most of the time. He called and called you but none of us could reach you then. Then Max was finally born and both of them ended up alright. As Alec got better I begged him to come over and talk to you. I told him that you would be supportive. He didn't believe me and chose to go it alone. Then he came back from L.A with stories of some blonde girl he had become close with." She took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair. She looked upset and Magnus felt bad for pinning this on her. It couldn't be easy to be between your brother and your best friend. "Dad got hold of him before I could. He convinced Alec to marry her. He said that Max would need a mother and Alec would need help. I knew Alec didn't love her and he likely never would romantically. I begged him to reconsider but he was adamant about doing it. He had himself convinced you were never coming back for him and he had to move on to what was best for Max."

"You keep telling him to stay," Magnus said hoarsely. "Alec told me you keep telling him to honor his obligations or whatever crap." Her face hardened and every trace of her earlier upset was gone.

"Yes I did." She snapped. "Because, while Alec is responsible with mostly everything he is so irresponsible in love. He did it with you and I won't let him keep on doing it. He can't just marry\ someone and then back out. Emily has her life invested in him now. She moved away from her entire family to be with him. Emily is in love with him and it's not kind to break people's hearts. He knew he was never going to love her that way when he married her. He fucking knew it and did it anyway." Magnus felt despair and a bit of hopelessness settling in.

"He loves me." His voice was finally quiet and calm as he spoke of the one thing he was sure of. "I know without a doubt that he loves me very much. We love each other and Max is my son. I'm sorry Emily got caught up in this but how can we not be together? How can he just expect me to keep my distance? What, you think it's fair that I never get to tell Max the truth? That I have to sit and play Uncle Magnus forever? I see where you're coming from but I don't think this is better for anyone involved. Every child deserves parents who love each other and Max is going to figure out sooner or later that his parents don't, or at least they won't. Do you honestly think they can go the rest of their marriage without any sort of physical intimacy?" Izzy sighed and shook her head. Magnus sat heavily on one of the benches and put his head in his hands. Izzy sat down next to him and put a hand on his back.

"I don't know how this is going to turn out." She laid her head on his shoulder. "But know that I will always be there for you both. I know Alec hasn't been the best person through all of this all of the time. It's been hard for him. He's done his best Mags, I swear to you on that." Magnus nodded and swiped at the few tears that had fallen.

A shout drew their attention to the rest of the group going. Madison and Ben were leaning on the car impatiently with Simon telling them stories about scout camp. Max is the one that had shouted balanced on Jace's shoulders. Clary brought up the rear with towels for everyone when they were finished. Magnus slowly got to his feet and resigned himself to try and have a good time.

He couldn't tear his eyes away from the blue ones in the rear view mirror as they drove away.


	7. The Ways We Fall Apart

**Wow this chapter got so long! Okay there is a LOT packed into this chapter and I only hope this wasn't too much. For those of you longing for some actual Malec, here ya go! For those of you hoping all the drama isn't over yet, it isn't. I never make things easy for my babies. Later on towards the end of the chapter it gets a bit steamy but not full on smut (yet anyways) just to warn you. Thank you for your continued support and reviews! I only hope I can continue to deliver the content.**

**Enjoy!**

Magnus Bane had often wondered how his life ended up the way it did. Some warlocks found life predictable and he had met some who were never surprised by anything that happened anymore. They could know exactly where they would end up at the end of the week no problem.

Magnus could say he was definitely not one of those people.

Having Alexander Lightwood naked on a beach was not where he thought he would wake up Sunday morning and yet here he was, staring at an expanse of alabaster skin as the sun rose over the lake.

To think the day had started out with a fight, involved a near death, and a screaming match to boot.

His life was very far from predictable.

When they had arrived the river was calm and after instructions were given and a fight had broken out for a third time among the twins they were ready to hit the water. Madison and Ben had easily jumped on their inner tubes with the Izzy and Simon and began drifting down. Magnus had wanted to wait for Max and Jace was waiting for Clary. The red head was thoroughly applying sunscreen even though the day was overcast. ("Jace, I burn through clouds, trust me.") Max seemed a bit nervous now that they had arrived and was unsure how to get on his inner tube since he was rather shorter than his cousins. Every time he put the tube down on the water it would drift away too quickly for him to get on. He looked to Magnus for help but while the warlock could see how it was done he was not efficent in the abilities of six year olds. He was never good at helping children with anything besides magic. Magic was the only thing he felt he could honestly explain well, everything else ended up a jumble of words.

"What's the hold up? We're going to lose everyone else!" Jace called as he walked with his hand in his wife's down to the edge of the water. Max whined softly as he looked pleadingly up at his uncle. Magnus simply shrugged and the young shadowhunter put things together. "Alright, warlock, budge over and I'll help him. Max, put your tube in the water."

"It'll float away!" Max protested as his tried and true method had proven. "I've tried already!"

"Just trust me and put it down." Max pouted slightly but did as his uncle said. The tube did start to float away but quickly as a flash Jace scooped up his nephew and tossed him so that he landed perfectly on top of the tube. Max was giggling madly and waving as the rest of the party climbed on their tubes and set off down the river. The sun peaked out every so often and Magnus just started to realize he might even enjoy this trip. With the tales he had heard of years past he was expecting a much more taxing ride than gently floating along. They had ended up catching up with the rest and now floated in one big group. The banter was as easy as it had always been and Magnus realized he had missed much more than just Alec the last eight years. He had missed Clary's laugh and Simon's obscene references. He missed Jace's jokes a bit, even though they seemed to cover up much less than they used to. He missed the sibling interaction as Jace and Izzy got into a splash fight before too long with the twins rooting along and joining in eventually. Max was content to float along and point out different birds he spotted along the way. Every time he opened his tiny mouth Magnus could so easily see Alec at that age and at the same time he could see Max as his son. His grin was similar to his own the more he looked. They both talked with their hands constantly. It was the little gestures that confirmed what Alec had told him if he ever doubted.

What was he going to do with this mess he was in?

He couldn't let things just stay this way, that much was decided. If Alec were happy, that would be one thing, but the fact that he was utterly miserable made it urgent for things to change. He had gotten several hints from different conversations that Alec had a drinking problem, or at least had had one. That and the fact that he hadn't touched an ounce of the alcohol they had taken part of so generously. The Alec he knew was never an alcoholic and most of the ones Magnus had met who drank that much were trying to escape something.

But, then was he supposed to sweep Alec off his feet?

He knew why Alexander was hesitant to get involved with him, marriages aside. They had issues and the fact he tended to leave the country when things got hard. Magnus had never before liked messy or complicated. He liked to keep things as simple as possible. It was the reason he had sworn off shadowhunters all that time ago, or at least one of the reasons. With Alec everything just always seemed to be different somehow. He didn't mind messy when it was him and Alec in the middle of it all. He didn't mind complicated when it brought him closer to the man with the bluest eyes he had ever seen.

"Holy shit!" Jace's shout drew his attention from his thoughts and he snapped his head their direction to see just what was wrong. Up ahead the water had risen much higher and was going three times as fast. It was rapids in its classic form. Magnus felt fear dredge up in his gut, and not for himself. His eyes shot to Max whose eyes had gotten wide as he clung onto the plastic handles with all his strength.

"Is this not normal?" Magnus asked in what he hoped was a calm voice. The look Izzy gave him said he had failed by a great margin. She reached out a long arm to tug him closer by the handle.

"No, this is pretty bad. I don't know why it's so much faster and higher than usual. We've gotten a bit more rain than usual but nothing crazy." The fear came twice as strong and Magnus swallowed hard.

"What about Max? He's six, he can't handle this kind of water! Isn't there another path we can take or anything we can do?" Izzy's eyes were wide and the closer they got the more a bit of true fear entered them. Simon was shouting at Jace that he was a moron for not checking water conditions while Clary was trying to keep the peace and make her way over to Max who had somehow floated way ahead of the adults not realizing it. Magnus felt helpless as he saw the upcoming disaster happening but was powerless to stop it.

MBALMBALMBAL

Alec sat with a sweet tea on the back porch after taking Tricia to the go karts. The three of them had had a decent day after Tricia had calmed down from not being able to go with the rest. He was still upset about Max going and hoped this was one of the calmer years on the river. It varied how fast it flowed and whether full blown rapids ever formed. Max could swim it was true but not too well and he couldn't help wanting to protect him. Max was the only good thing that had come out of the last eight years in his life.

"Are you still mad at me?" Emily asked as she came onto the porch holding another glass of tea. Alec tilted his head back to look at her. She was dressed in one of his old shirts and a pair of shorts. Her hair was pulled up loosely in a messy bun and she had sunglasses perched on her head. She looked just as she had when he married her. When he had deluded himself into thinking he was happy. He never felt that love he did back then. These days all he felt when he looked at her was incredible guilt. He hadn't done anything to break their marriage vows and there was no logical explanation for his feelings but he couldn't help it. He wanted Magnus. The fact was plain and simple, and now if only feeling that way was simple. He had been quiet the entire day and while he was angry about her overstepping him that morning he was also contemplating if this marriage was still a good thing.

She sat next to him slowly and he realized she was still waiting for an answer. He put an arm around her shoulders and let her lean into him as they gazed over the beautiful water. "No, I'm really not so much anymore. I just hope he's alright out there."

"Jace will take care of him. I'm really not worried and it meant a lot to him." He ran a hand through her hair and longed to feel something for her. He wanted to feel the way he had all those years ago. He wanted the wonder to return and the passion. He missed not being able to keep his hands off of someone. He wished he could just force himself to feel that way with Emily. He wished it was all that simple.

"It's nice having a few minutes alone." Alec said instead of what he really thought. He had watched too many movies and had almost scripted what to say. He was always awkward in relationships as it was and one where his heart wasn't in it was only worse.

"Speaking of alone," Emily purred as she tilted her head to kiss his neck. Normally Alec could close his eyes and focus purely on the physical sensations but he was too distracted for that much effort today. He had felt more from a simple hug with Magnus than he ever had with Emily's lips travelling over his skin. He tilted his head obligingly and let out a sigh as his muscles relaxed just a touch. "I've really been working these last few months with Sarah, my therapist, and she thinks we should try."

"Try?" Alec asked with his brow furrowed, his mind too muddled to make sense of what she was trying to say.

"Being intimate," Emily whispered into his ear as she nipped at his earlobe. Alec felt his stomach turn into ice and forgot to even react which made Emily pull back to look at him. "D-do you not want to? I thought you said what happened all those years ago didn't bother you? Were you only saying that because you thought you'd never actually sleep with me?" Anger had reared its head and Alec knew he had seconds to rectify this situation.

"Em," He said gently while taking her beautiful face in his hands. Her silver eyes stared at him full of fear and uncertainty. She had truly worked through a lot over the years and he felt like an ass for not being able to celebrate with her how she deserved. He tried not to wish the eyes were golden green, he truly did. "I love you. I am so proud of everything you've done. You are an amazing wife and mother. Of course I – " Alec was cut off by a shimmering catching his eye before the rafters tumbled through a portal onto the front lawn in front of the cabin with his son crying like he had never heard before. His heart stopped beating for a moment as he was on his feel faster than he could even think.

MBALMBALMBAL

It had gotten so much worse than any of them had ever imagined.

The water had been fast. Not incredibly fast for an adult with strength and experience but for a six year old's first trip it was insane. They were jolted here and there by rocks jutting out of the water. They had all ended up separated. It was complete chaos and Magnus only managed to keep half an eye on Max during the ride. He seemed scared out of his mind as he clung to his inner tube as tightly as he could. He watched in what seemed like slow motion as Max hit a large rock by a large whoosh of water and lost his battle to hold on. His black head slipped under the water as Magnus watched completely horrified.

He didn't think twice as he jumped in the water after him.

He tried not to think about the fact that he was in fact surrounded by water for the first time in years. Although his worst experience with water had been quite a few centuries ago now he didn't think he'd ever be comfortable in anything but a shower. Jace and Izzy were yelling but all Magnus could focus on was finding Max in this craziness.

It took a few moments before Magnus saw a black head bob above the water. His slight frame had slid out of his life jacket with the force of the water. He was screaming, obviously very scared and trying to swim the best he could. Magnus slipped on rocks as he tried to make his way over to him but wasn't able to move very fast. The water wasn't too deep but with all the rocks it was hard to navigate all the same. Jace was also in the water, fighting frantically to get to his nephew but not having too much more luck.

It took them a good few minutes to reach the little boy but Magnus knew he had never felt such relief as he finally managed to pick up the sobbing six year old and hold him safely. Max clung to Magnus tightly with arms and legs firmly wrapped around tall frame. His whole body shook from cold and from shock. Magnus made his way over to shore and managed to stumble his way onto solid land. Max was still coughing but not saying a word.

"Not a bad rescue effort from a warlock." Jace panted as he hauled himself onto shore next to them. Magnus was breathing heavily and trying to get Max to calm down to no avail. Jace reached a hand down for Isabelle who also had jumped into the water after her nephew.

"Alec was right," She said as she sat down with the group of them. "He's always right about this kind of thing."

"You're okay," Magnus murmured to Max as he stroked his back and tried to coax him to sit on his lap rather than staying wrapped around him. "It's over now and you're okay. I'm so sorry." With a snap of his fingers he had a large towel in hand and wrapped it around the tiny child who had relaxed enough to let go of him though he wouldn't hear of leaving Magnus's side. As Magnus set about drying his hair Max cried out and pulled away sharply.

"Ow, that hurt! Quit!" The tender child was prompted to tears again after his trying time and Magnus felt awful. He tilted his head to see just why Max had been unhappy. A large gash was on his temple from one of the rocks and it was bleeding steadily. Magnus made another towel appear in his hand and pressed it to the wound, forgetting that children were not nearly as cooperative about this sort ofthing as adults were. Max jerked away frowning and crying more at the jolt of pain.

"We should get back, like now." Jace said as he looked one way and then the other down the river. "I have no idea how long until this ends and there's no way we're going to convince Max to get back on that water anyways. I;m sure all he wants right about now is his dad and a cup of hot chocolate anyways." Izzy hummed in agreement as she came to help tend to the child's bleeding face. Magnus finally got up despite tiny protests and tried to stop his hands shaking long enough to make a portal for them to get home with.

Moments later they were tumbling onto the front lawn in front of their expansive cabin, safe at last and far away from water. Max had finally calmed, excited at seeing Magnus perform real magic most likely. The moment Alec came into view however the tears came back as Max wailed for his father.

"Daddy!" Magnus had honestly never seen Alec run so fast in his life as he practically jumped down the porch steps and dashed to pick Max up safely in his arms. Alec proceeded to ignore the rest of them for the time being and focused on getting Max happy again. Emily appeared only a dozen steps behind her husband and looked between the three adults incredulously.

"What happened? Where is everyone else and why on earth did you portal back?" She looked helplessly at her husband's back before looking back with a face demanding answerrs

"Take Max inside, please," Alec said quiet as he handed Max to her with a final hand running over his hair. "I"ll be right in. Just get him changed and I'll be right there. He needs that cut cleaned." Emily nodded a bit baffled at suddenly having an armful but went inside.

Magnus took a sharp breath as Alec spun to face them and the anger in his blue eyes took his breath away. Alec becoming angry was absolutely beautiful in a chilling way. He felt so deeply every emotion that anger was like anything else, it took him over completely. His wonderful muscles went completely tense and the fire in his eyes was burning as bright as any flames he could make. Magnus loved him angry, but not so keen when that anger was directed his way.

"I trusted you with him." Alec's voice was deadly calm, even in his rage. Magnus had never heard him yell and doubted he ever would. He raised his voice now and then but a full scream would likely never happen. "I TRUSTED YOU WITH HIM!"

What did he say before about a predictable life?

"Alec," Jace started forward towards his paratabai, likely a bit alarmed. "No one could have known what was going on at the river. It's never been like that and Max would have been alright ordinarily." Alec wasn't looking at Jace. His piercing gaze was fixed on Magnus and wouldn't waver.

"Jace, Iz, you need to go inside." Alec said, voice shaking and barely in his control.

"Alec, come on, this was hardly his fault. We were the ones who had been out there before. If you're going to blame anyone it should be us." Izzy was wringing out her hair over the lawn and straightened up to face her brother. "I know you were worried about Max but this isn't the way to deal with it."

"Magnus is the one who is supposed to be his father." Alec spoke in barely above a whisper. Magnus swallowed hard and wished they could have at least done this in private. The same thought had been running through his own mind the entire day. "He is the man with the audacity to suggest I would have been better off raising Max with him. Now I let him have a chance for some responsibility and Max nearly dies."

"How can you-" Magnus started with his heart in his throat but was taken speechless when Izzy stalked up to slap her brother straight across the face. Jace's face was a picture of shock as he stared at the pair of them. Alec slowly brought a hand to his cheek and stared at his sister as if he had never seen her before.

"You are being petty and selfish." Izzy said loudly as it echoed around them. Her hands were shaking before she clenched them into fists at her sides. "You can't just sit here and look for reasons to call Magnus out on being a bad parent. You haven't even given him a real chance."

"Are you kidding me?" Alec asked loudly. "What about the five thousand times I tried to call him while I was pregnant? I'm sorry I gave up after a year but then I had a handful of newborn and got a bit busy! I gave him every chance to be a dad! If he would have just answered his phone he could have been and none of this would even be happening!"

"Alexander-" Magnus started once more but was once again cut off by Izzy.

" You can't just stay in the past. I keep telling you that you both have made choices and you can't take them back!"

"Stop telling me that! It's not fair that I can never mess up just because he knocked me up!" Alec looked away from them with his chest heaving. Magnus had a good idea what this all was really about but it seemed that in a Lightwood feud he had no place to even say a word.

"That's not what I mean now." Izzy's voice suddenly got tight and her gaze included Magnus as she spoke. "I mean that Magnus is perfect for you and always has been. I mean you need to stop being so afraid of what he's done and trust what he's doing now, what he's willing to do. I know I've said you should respect your vows but I'd forgotten what it was like seeing you two together." She glanced at Jace who had his arms folded and was listening intently. "You light up around him even now when you two can hardly say two words to each other. You relax around him. I forgot what it was like to see you happy like that."

"You've given this your every shot." Jace said quietly.

"I can't just leave her." Alec once again only had eyes for Magnus. His blue eyes were suddenly filled with sadness. Such incredible sadness like when they had met in Edom all those years ago.

"I understand." Magnus whispered, taking the statement for what it was, a dismissal, an apology, and a refusal.

"She loves me. I know I love you , I do. I know that what we have I'll never get again. I know that you are the love of my life. But I really have to let you go. Emily is an amazing woman who has given me everything."

"Alec?" Magnus's eyes slid closed as Emily's light voice carried across the yard as she stood on the front porch. Darkness was falling around them now and the light played off of Emily's pale face as she stared at them all with a hand over her mouth slowly being lowered. "W-what do you mean he's the love of your life? And what on earth do you mean he knocked you up?"

"Emily!" Alec exclaimed as he whirled on his heel to face her. Magnus sighed to finally have that gaze off of him and felt as if he could finally breathe properly again. This was turning into a disaster and a half. Magnus had no idea why he had even agreed to come on this trip at all. He should have given Alec space and time. He never should have been here like this, invading on their family vacation. He didn't belong with Alexander anymore. He wasn't sure he ever would.

"Did we miss something?" Simon asked as he stood frozen by the van, staring around at the lot of them shouting on the front lawn. Emily and Alec were now fighting on the front steps while the rest of them stood completely frozen.

"Come inside, I'll explain." Izzy said as she linked arms with him and led him inside. The twins quietly slipped inside while their mother followed, beckoning Jace to come too. Magnus sighed and decided to head down to the beach to be alone, the way he was meant to be.

MBALMBALMBAL

Night had truly fallen before long and Magnus spent hours staring at the fire he had started in the pit before him. He was thinking, remembering, and trying not to face an entire eternity without Alec. They had been apart for quite some time but deep in his heart Magnus had somehow believed they would find each other again. He never dreamed he might be too late. He thought that this marriage was a complete sham and it was just a matter of breaking down some walls and getting Alec to admit he loved him. Now he saw it was much more complicated than that. Alec knew he loved him, that much was clear. Alec loved her too, not as he loved the warlock but equally as deeply. He was loyal to her and the way he fought with her said it all. Alec cared if she left him. He cared if she was no longer in his life.

Either way this was going to tear Alexander Lightwood to pieces. Either way that poor, beautiful boy lost someone he loved. Magnus was selfish enough to pray it wasn't him.

"I didn't know anyone was down here." Magnus's head snapped up to see Alec standing there quite different than how he had been earlier. He looked defeated dressed in a sweater with more holes than not and jeans that hung off of him. It was how he looked at eighteen and a look Magnus would always love just for that reason. He had a bottle swinging from his hand and after a moment of hesitation he sat next to Magnus on a log.

"I thought you didn't drink." Magnus said quietly as he eyed the bottle with interest. Alcohol sounded like a great idea just about then.

"I don't." Alec said with a wry grin as he undid the cork. "Do you want the first drink? You look like you need it as much as I do."

"Sure." It was surreal being civil after all the fighting and pain. It felt like they were in another realm, a universe where no one's heart had gotten broken beyond repair. Magnus took the heavy bottle in hand and gazed at the label for a moment. It looked familiar and it took him a long moment to figure out why. "I bought us a bottle of this in Paris, it was your first wine."

"Yeah, that's why I could never open it." Alec glanced at him shyly then. Magnus took a long swig before handing the bottle back. It was likely the least classy way to drink wine but somehow it just fit. Everything was so broken anyways. Alec tilted his head back to gaze at the stars "Angel, I miss Paris."

"It's a beautiful place." As their eyes met they both knew exactly what Alec was really referring to. "Paris was something I'll never forget."

"We were so free. Everything seemed so simple." Alec took a long drink as well before settling for staring into the flames. "I was so in love with you. I thought that was it, you know? I thought after our night in Paris I could never love you any more than that. " He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Boy, was I ever wrong."

"How's Max?" Magnus asked quickly as he felt prickling at the back of his eyes. He couldn't talk about Paris right now, not with Alec.

"He won't take a bath." Alec said with a dry chuckle. "I suppose he'll live though."

"I am so-"

"No," Alec said swiftly, cutting him short. "Please, it was hardly your fault even a little. That comment was awful and had nothing to do with you."

"Then what was it about?" Alec was quiet for a long moment, taking another long drag out of their bottle of wine.

"It was about the fact that I am so angry at you I can hardly see straight anymore. I don't know why I settled on angry, but I did. I just wish you had answered your damn phone when I called. I know why you didn't but I just wish you would have. Nothing would be so hard now."

"You can't know that." Magnus argued, if only to make Alec feel a bit better. "We could have been awful together. I could have been a terrible father. Unorganized, forgetful, constantly overstepping my bounds and fighting with you. We could have been a disaster." Magnus shook his head at the thought and tried to convince himself it was true. He tried to see how being with Alexander could have ever been a mistake.

"You would love me." Alec said with a sad smile. "You would love the real me that has been through hell with you. You would have known me inside and out. We probably would have fought a lot. But I know after every fight you would bring me home something and kissed me until I forgave you. You would have hummed while making dinner and I would have joined in. We would dance around the kitchen while Max was starving and then order pizza when dinner burned."

"Stop Alec, just please-" Magnus broke off with tears gathering in his eyes.

"I think about it all the time, probably more than I should. On days when Emily and I are fighting and I just miss you. I think about our life together the way I used to when I was a teenager. I think about what it all would have been like."

"Why are you doing this?" Magnus asked angrily as he stood to face Alec. The blue eyes had a bit of a glaze to them and they shone in the light of the fire. "Why are you talking about all this? You as good as told me you were choosing her! This push and pull is getting old Alexander."

"I know," Alec said softly. "I just need to tell someone what I'm thinking. I can never talk to anyone the way I can talk to you." Magnus shook his head even as he tried to wipe the tears away. This trip was going to be the death of him.

"I'm going to leave in the morning." Magnus finally said, his voice thick with tears. "I'm going to leave you alone like I should have. You have a family and you don't need me messing it all up."

"Mags," Alec said, also rising to his feet as their bottle of wine, now half empty, rested in the sand. Magnus's heart felt beaten and completely broken in a way it had never been before. Soft, pale hands came to frame his face and gently wipe his tears away with the pads of his thumb. Magnus couldn't help the tears falling now as Alec stood so close he could smell him. He smelled so wonderful and so much like home. "Shh, Magnus, don't cry. This has been so awful for you. I can't even imagine what this must be like for you."

"We have a son, Alexander." Magnus said finally. "He's so beautiful and perfect. I'm falling in love with our son and I don't know what any of this even means anymore."

"Me neither, if we're being honest." Alec said, coming to rest their foreheads together. "I can't be with her the way she wants me to. I can't sleep with her. My heart is too invested in you to ever do that. Jace always told me my heart resided in my cock and I never knew what he meant until now."

"I love you," Magnus blurted to the still air surrounding them. He hadn't meant to say the words out loud, but they needed to be said. "I know that we are far from perfect together together but I do love you." Alec's breathing grew heavier in the air between them until he was nearly panting.

"I – we – god, fuck all of this." Before Magnus could take another breath of air Alec had sealed their lips together in a searing kiss that took his breath away. He pulled Alec closer and in a familiar practice pried soft lips apart to slip his tongue inside. Their tongues slid against one another's as Alec whined low in his throat and pulled him closer with two hands firmly fisted in his still damp hair. Magnus let out a moan as his hands found Alec's hips and ground them against his own.

"God, I missed this," Magnus whispered against Alec's neck as he kissed and nipped the tender skin. Alec leaned his head to the side with his eyes closed in bliss. Magnus's hands worked their way underneath the baggy sweater to trace over his sides, stomach and chest, memorizing every inch of skin as if it was the first time all over again. Alec pulled away only long enough to rip the offending garment over his head before crashing back into Magnus with everything he had. Magnus pushed him against a tree and leaned down to kiss his chest and every other piece of skin he could reach. Alec's hands had ended up back in his hair as his head was thrown back wildly as Magnus tugged at his nipples with his fingers and then with his teeth.

"I need you Magnus, I've never needed you more." Magnus stood to look into his blue eyes at last and kissed him with everything he had been feeling in the last twenty four hours. Alec tore the buttons off his shirt and it fell behind them in a heap on the sand. As Magnus pulled back enough to smirk Alec yanked him to the side to switch their positions. The bark scraped his back but the pain was quickly masked by the hands unzipping his pants and stroking him through his boxers.

"Fuck, Alexander, you drive me absolutely crazy." Alec smirked this time as he got their pants off in a swift motion he had learned from the warlock and soon they were left completely naked on a beach. Magnus pushed at Alec's shoulders until they were both lying on the sand with no regard for anything but each other. He hovered over the younger man and tried to shut his feelings off. He tried to let it just be about the physical part. Alec had teared up at this point and they were like crystals on his cheeks in the firelight. Magnus leaned down to kiss them away. They stared at each other, simply drinking in the sight and smell of the other. It was almost like a dream he never wanted to wake up from.

"This can't be like last time," Alec got out between tiny sobs. "I can't do this only to lose you again. I'm so confused and torn in so many directions. I don't know what to do."

"Darling, you won't lose me. I'm not going anywhere this time. I've never loved you more." It was true. As Magnus gazed upon this beautiful man sprawled in the sand he had never felt this before in his hundreds of years alive. He had never felt as if his heart were about to burst from all the emotion he found. As he leaned down to kiss Alec once again he knew that though this was going to be a complicated mess, he wasn't going anywhere.


	8. The Afternath

**Hello dear dear readers! I am very sorry for this long wait and I hope this is what you guys need on your second week of school. I hope you think it's okay! The reason this took so long is because I started this over about four or five times before anything clicked! This chapter wrote itself entirely, I don't know where any of this even came from. I don't know if I like this chapter all this much but I have planned the rest of the fic out. We have about two more chapters and an epilogue to go! Excited to be writing such a long fic (for me anways haha) Please review and let me know what you think about all of this. Even if you hate it I really really want to know! **

**None of this is mine!**

Alec felt as if the world was being pulled from underneath his feet as he stared blankly at his wife from the doorway. Emily had everything packed up, except for Alec's things. His things were still strewn about the room, ignored and untouched. He could still feel sand on every inch of him, and yet as he saw the evidence of Emily about to leave he just wanted to plead for her to stay. He was devaststed to let her go if he were being honest with himself. He got too attached to people as his father had always told him. She turned to see him lingering in the doorway and her face hardened as she zipped up her bag with an air of finality. Her face was hard, but Alec could see in her grey, sparkling eyes that she was honestly falling apart.

"You're not coming home with us." Emily said firmly even as her hands shook slightly. "I can't have you in our house after last night. I just can't pretend nothing has changed." Alec sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Emily, you can't just do this to Max. What are we going to tell him? He's going to wonder why I'm not coming home with you." Emily bit her lip and looked out the window for a moment before turning back to him with her face much softer and tears gathering in her eyes.

"How could you do this to me? How could you let me believe you loved me? You made our marriage into a sham and I don't know how I'm going to live with that. I loved you Alec, I really and truly loved you. I never dreamed of ever having a life as happy as this one." Alec felt his heart completely stop in his chest and he sucked in a breath of air before signing his own death warrant.

"I told him I was going to pick you." Alec said quietly as he took a step towards her. His knees shook but he hoped she didn't notice. In his mind all he could see was Magnus above and around him, and all he could hear was the warlock whispering how much he loved him. How did he manage to keep on hurting people he loved? "I promise I will never see M – him again if that's what you want. Just because he's the love of my life doesn't mean he's the one I should be with. Magnus and I are complicated and I honestly hate complicated. We broke up for very good reasons. Max can train with any warlock, it doesn't have to be Bane." Alec nearly gagged at referring to Magnus by his surname but kept a steady gaze as she pondered his words. It only took a moment for her face to crumple completely and tears to fall down her cheeks as she slowly walked over to him and kissed him on the mouth with all she had.

Alec gasped in surprise and let her push him back against the wall. He felt trapped and as if he couldn't breathe as her hands roamed over his body. Her small delicate hands desperately roamed over his shoulders and chest, drawing her nails across his skin as her mouth worked against his. Alec tried to kiss her back, but he was so shocked he was freaking out more than reacting to anything. He could feel himself getting aroused the more she touched him and it was scaring him to no end. He could feel his breathing getting erratic and his vision tunneling even before she reached beneath his waist band to stroke him languidly. The physical pleasure was battling with his psychological panic and it was all in all creating a very unpleasant feeling.

"Emily," Alec got out between strangled breaths. "What – what are you doing?"

"You said you could pick me." Her eyes looked cold as she finally looked at him and it send a shiver down his spine. "So I want to know if you can ever really love me the way you can with your stupid warlock. You did this with him last night didn't you? I know you're not a teenager anymore, but you can handle this right? You told me you could love me and give me whatever I wanted." Her mouth returned to his and by this point Alec was severely struggling to remain even the slightest bit of calm. He didn't want to hurt her. He couldn't bring himself to push her away even though his mind screamed at him to just get her the fuck away from him already. As she continued to stroke him and his body betrayed him he felt as if he was truly drowning and suffocating right here in the cabin. His pants hit the ground and she pushed him back on the bed. He could feel the tears before he realized he was truly sobbing as he gazed up at her through his tears. She stopped and looked at him with her eyes full of complete hatred.

"Don't sit there and try to pretend that you can give me this." She hissed at him as she stood over him " Your entire family knew this whole time our marriage was a complete lie. None of you ever bothered to even tell me any of this." She picked up her bag while running a hand over her shirt and through her hair. "I hope you manage to have a nice life without us Alec, because I swear I will make your life miserable for this." Alec curled up in a ball, humiliated, scared, and wanting Magnus more than anything else right then.

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus sighed and took one last look at the cabin one last time before heading down the long drive to the street. He had called a cab about half an hour ago to take him back to Brooklyn and far away from the shadowhunters who always seemed to turn his life sideways and upside down. He was done with all of them this time. He had passed by Alec's room to hear him say he was picking Emily before speed dialing a cab and packing his things with a snap of his fingers. He had sworn not to leave but how long could he sit around while Alec picked someone else over him? Last night had been every fantasy for eight years coming true for him. He had dreamed of touching and holding Alec again since shortly after their scene in the tunnel. He had heard Alec moaning his name in the late hours of the night and heard the whispers of love when he felt alone across the world.

Enough was enough though, and it was time for him to give up silly dreams and accept the reality that Alexander Lightwood was no longer his. He was married and was picking his family over Magnus. He may have a relationship with Max one day but that's the most he could hope for.

"Just where the hell do you think you're going?!" The angry yell from behind him only made him sigh as he checked his watch. He had fifteen minutes before the cab would be here and he may as well say goodbye to Izzy if nothing else.

"I'm leaving Isabelle, vacation is officially over. I'm done trying with him." He huffed to see her storming over to him in heels and a dress. She was truly ready to get back to the city again after a few days in the woods. Her tirade was broken when she nearly fell over a root and he had to quickly catch her elbow to keep her from falling. She shot him a grateful look briefly before straightening up with a severe look on her face.

"No, you are absolutely not leaving like this. What happened last night? You and Alec disappeared all night together! Was he an ass to you? Alec just has a lot to-"

"He slept with me," Magnus confessed. Izzy's mouth dropped open in shock before she came to herself once again and continued her rant.

"Well then what the hell would you leave for? You two are finally getting shit sorted out and you go and leave?! Magnus, I truly love you but if you fuck with him like this I swear-" He dropped his bag to fold his arms at last to glare at her with a gaze that had made him nearly infamous as a High Warlock.

"Why do you always assume it's my fault?" Her jaw shut with a snap and she looked at him questioningly. "If you must know it wasn't enough. I walked by his door this morning to find out he's choosing her in the end." He took a steadying breath before tucking a piece of hair behind his best friend's ear fondly. "I'm sure we'll still be best friends until you're eighty five and sitting in a rocking chair, but I think Alec and I are truly done. I may see him on occasion because of Max but I don't think we're ever going to be who we were again." Isabelle looked truly crushed as she hugged her friend as tightly as she could. Magnus laughed softly and hugged her back with equal enthusiasm. At least he'd always have his best friend through it all if nothing else.

"I'm sorry," She said softly as she looked up at him from her spot on his chest. "I feel like I completely pushed you two together. I really thought he just needed to be around you again and remind himself how much you cared. I thought you two would work like you always had. I never imagined you'd get hurt like this or I never would have done anything at all." He stroked a hand through her hair before pulling back and gathering his bags once more.

"Don't worry about it. A little match making isn't the worst thing I've done to a friend by far. You meant the best intentions." He turned to leave again when pounding footsteps and frantic yelling caught his attention. He spun on his heel hoping against all hope it was Alec running after him only to be disappointed to see Simon instead. He looked truly frantic as he waved his arms and shouted at them.

"Izzy, come now! It's Alec! I don't know what happened but it's bad! He needs someone right now." Simon seemed to finally spot Magnus farther away and his attention turned to him instead. "Bane, he's asking for you. You better hurry because I've honestly never seen him like this before. Jace is keeping the kids busy, but seriously guys, run!"

"Oh god, " Magnus muttered before breaking out of his shock and sprinting as fast as he could towards the cabin with Izzy right behind him. What could have possibly happened?

He burst in the cabin and as he reached the wing Alec had been staying in he immediately heard the hysterical crying of his lover. He had only heard Alec like this once before, which was when Max died in Idris. It was a mixture of a panic attack and him completely breaking apart. He rounded the corner and tried not to react too badly to what he saw on the bed.

Alec was curled loosely on his side as he tried to gain control of his breathing in heaping gasps. His whole body shook terribly with each attempt and his body was covered in sweat. . He was naked from the waist down and his shirt was open which honestly had him confused more than anything. He reached the bed in five quick strides and knelt next to the bed. He drew a blanket over Alec who clutched it to him like a vice while not even looking at Magnus at all.

"Is he okay?" Izzy asked as she stood in the doorway. Magnus kept his focus on Alec and brushed the hair off his forehead tenderly while thinking of what to do. Jace pushed past the both of them to wrap Alec securely in a firm hug and not let go even when Alec squirmed and fought against the grip. Alec sobbed into the offered chest and clutched onto Jace tightly. Magnus stroked his hair gently and hoped it would offer some sort of comfort.

"No, I don't think he's okay." Jace said finally as he rubbed Alec's back in long sweeping motions. "I also don't think he wants his sister or his boyfriend to see him like this. I'll come get you when he's calmed a bit and hopefully falls asleep. Go one and get out of here, we don't want the kids alarmed or anything." Magnus looked at Jace like he had grown an extra appendage.

"You're joking, right? You want me to leave him here like this? With you?" It seemed Magnus had said the wrong thing for Jace stiffened and brieflly glanced at Alec, who was mostly out of it, before saying.

"Who the hell do you think was here when you weren't, Bane?" Magnus flinched and had been chastised thoroughly enough to follow Isabelle out into the hall and wait.

MBALMBALMBAL

_Alec opened his eyes with a groan and rolled over on his back slowly. He rubbed his swelling stomach softly and wished Max just wouldn't kick so damn much. He didn't remember falling asleep last night very well and figured he must have been reading and passed out. He stiffened in shock when he looked over to see Jace sprawled next to him, sound asleep and snoring softly. He had no idea what his paratabai was doing in his bed but it was strange, even more so because he was only wearing boxers. He tended not to wear much now that he was pregnant since he got hot so easily now. He tried to hold back a yawn as he shifted and laid back down on his side after pulling pajama pants on quickly. Jace had shared his bed when they had been boys and stayed up late telling stories and messing around. He had promptly stopped the habit when he reached the age of fourteen and realized just what it was he felt for Jace Herondale. He bit his lip before deciding silence wasn't much of an option anymore._

"_Why the hell are you in my bed?" He could have said as much in a more poiite way, but frankly he was exhausted one hundred percent of the time and just didn't have patience to deal with mysteries. Jace moaned and rolled over to blink at him owlishly. He swore and rubbed his hands over his eyes. _

"_Y'know, sleeping with the pregnant guy I figured I'd get to sleep in a bit for once." Alec frowned and was just about to kick Jace out of his bed very loudly when his paratabai softened his gaze and looked him over. "You're alright then?"_

"_Why wouldn't I be alright?" Alec was quite taken aback at the odd question and felt strange that Jace was the one asking. He was the last one to ever worry about anyone but himself. Being selfish wasn't his best personality trait but no one could deny it was true._

"_Great you don't remember," Jace said while rolling his eyes and stretching languidly before tugging Alec back down to rest against his chest. Alec was still completely baffled and winced as Max kicked particularly hard. He pulled away again to stare at him._

"_What are you on about?" Jace sighed and finally looked at him properly._

"_You had some shitty dreams last night that led to a panic attack. You know you've been getting more of them since you got knocked up." Alec nodded while biting his lip. It was perfectly true that while he had always had anxiety problems it had gotten particularly bad with all the hormones raging through his body. "Well, look, you were crying out for Bane and I came to lay with you. It made you somewhat calm and you fell back asleep." Alec was speechless as he felt himself turning into a tomato slowly but surely. There could possibly be nothing more embarassing than sobbing for the man who had ruined your life nearly seven months ago. He was over half way through his pregnancy and he should have gotten used to the idea that Magnus had no plans on coming back anytime soon, especially not for him. _

"_God, Jace, I am so-" Jace waved him off with another yawn as he scratched his cheek and sat up properly now that he was fully awake. _

"_Don't even mention it Alec, you were completely out of it for the most part. You like sleeping with someone, I get that. I can hardly stand it when Clary can't stay over these days and I'm not the size of a watermelon. Besides, it's about damn time I start doing something to actually help you around here. You can no longer say I'm not holding up my end of this paratabai thing." Alec smiled softly as Jace left his room and set about getting a shower and getting ready for the day. _

Alec woke stiff and with his eyes nearly swollen shut and wondered if he had possibly gotten drunk two nights in a row, which was a really bad sign and Emily would murder him. Just like that, with the simple thought of the blonde his breathing completely stopped as the memories came rushing back to what had happened yesterday. Emily had assaulted him and left with his son with no promise of returning or of letting Alec see him again. She had taken Max away and he had no idea what was going to happen from here. Emily had turned into someone he didn't recognize anymore and she had made his skin absolutely crawl.

"Hey, hey, none of that now," A hand on his back making sweeping motions made Alec realize his breathing had gotten harsh once more without him noticing He held his breath for a moment and tried to stabilize himself without falling apart this time. "Here, drink this, Magnus said it was some kind of potion for anxiety. He got it from the blue chick."

"Jace," Alec breathed as he took the vial from the familiar hand in front of him and downed it in one. It tasted vile but afterwards he did feel marginally better. He turned and buried his face in Jace's chest. It would have seemed strange at one time for him to ever do such a thing and he hadn't had to in quite some time but Alec would never forget the numerous nights Jace had slept with him while he was pregnant with Max. He helped with so many lonely nights. "Why am I such a mess? I am so fucking tired of being a mess all the time." Jace chuckled as he tangled his fingers in Alec's hair to scratch his scalp gently.

"You aren't a mess without a good reason at least. You've had some crazy shit happen to you." Alec sighed and looked up into golden eyes tinged with concern. Jace pressed their foreheads together gently. "What the hell even happened yesterday? I didn't know if you were ever going to calm down? I know this thing between Emily and Magnus has been driving you absolutely crazy, but is that all it is? And I said to cut that out." Alec took a deep breath and forced himself to relax even as her name came up. He couldn't explain why yesterday had freaked him out as badly as it did.

"She took Max and she made it sound like she has no intentions on letting me see my son." Their eyes met again as Alec sat back to run his hands over his face and try to gain some resemblance of himself back. He knew Jace understood that in their tiny world the Clave ruled all matters and that they would always side with a respected female raising a young shadowhunter over two gay men who weren't even together. If Emily appealed to the Clave for custody there was no way they would win any sort of case against her.

"What a bitch," Jace said as he sat up as well while twisting to crack his back, one way then the other. "I get she's mad you turned out to be incredibly bent but it's not like Max would possibly be happier with her. At least there's the fact Max is a warlock to consider. Those bigoted idiots might think he's better off with a gay warlock than a shadowhunter considering everything. " Alec watched him get up to leave and wished he wouldn't. If Jace went out there it would mean he would have to as well and he just wasn't sure what he would say to any of them

He took a deep breath and finally made his way over to the open door. He could hear his sister and Magnus chatting in the main room happily. He was glad his sister had found such a good friend in Magnus, even after he had messed everything up. He knew he likely still looked awful but he just didn't want to take a shower just yet. He just didn't have that much energy quite yet

"Alec!" Alec looked to see Magnus jump from his seat on the couch and walk over to him. Alec managed a smile at seeing the warlock again. No matter what he'd been going through his heart still stuttered to a complete halt when he saw his warlock. He let himself be pulled into a tight hug against Magnus's warm, firm chest and relaxed for the first time since the night on the beach.

"Magnus," Alec nuzzled his cheek against Magnus's neck happily. The arms came firmly around him and squeezed just a bit tighter.

"Are you alright, darling?" Magnus rested his cheek on top of Alec's soft black curls and Alec couldn't help but feel that everything was as it finally should be. He had a feeling they'd find a way to get Max with them again.

"Yeah," Alec replied, really feeling the truth behind his answer for the first time in eight long years. "I'm absolutely perfect."


	9. Resolutions

**Okay hello again! So this chapter took a long time to put together because I wasn't sure if I wanted to make more drama or start tying things up. In the end it seemed the characters were ready to make some sort of resolutions and I hope you like what happened. Let me know if you want more things explained or anything because otherwise I think I'm going to wrap this up in the next chapter. Thank you for those who gave this story a chance and followed it to this point! You guys are amazing and keep me going every time you drop a review my way! There will be more Malec from me either way don't worry!**

**Happy Reading :)**

Magnus was severely concerned for his boyfriend's blood pressure as he paced around the office his father had in his new home in Idris. It was on the outskirts of the city and very lavish. It was obvious Robert had been doing more than fine after the divorce from Maryse. He eyed the vein twitching in Alec's neck and feared this incredible anger would give over to tears at some point and he would prefer that point to be not in front of Robert. It was evident their relationship had gotten better since Magnus had last saw the pair but it was nowhere near put together the way it should be.

"Why the hell aren't you more upset that she has taken your grandson hostage?!" Alec ranted as he paced furiously with his hands shoved deep in his pockets. Robert sat with his elbows resting on the desk and his hands in fists resting in front of his mouth.

"Alec, how do you expect a women to react when she finds out her husband is gay? She has raised Max as her son and she just reacted the only way she could, by pulling Max closer to her. Your mother always used Max to-"

"Stop!" The vein was once again throbbing and Magnus was seriously worried by this point that Alec would either have a heart attack or completely break down. He was here for either of those options but keeping Alec calm had been quite an accomplishment these days. "That bitch assaults me and then goes and takes my son! You never seem to be able to take my side on anything! Why did I ever think I could come to you?!" Alec strode towards the door and Magnus stood quietly, more than ready to leave.

"Alexander," Robert spoke, also standing and looking at Alec with eyes begging him to understand. "Son, I am on you side. I just don't think calling the Clave together and barging in there is necessary right now. Emily is grieving and angry and I'm sure she will come to her senses soon."

"You never accept Magnus and I," Alec continued ranting as if Robert had never spoken at all. "I'm so sick and tired of you trying to make me into something I've never been. This is who I love." Magnus tried to fight a smile as Alec gestured to him and his eyes lit with passion. "This is the man whom I've always loved and always will. Why couldn't you just accept that? I have hurt so many people this way and it didn't need to be this way."

"You could have just stayed with her," Robert said while looking at Magnus. "Maybe it was better for you to be with her. You were focused and calm. You never acted like this when Emily was involved. IT wasn't such a terrible thing I encouraged you to be with her."

"I was like that because I didn't feel fucking _anything!_" Alec shouted at his father. Magnus laid a hand on his arm and felt the younger man trembling underneath his hand. It was high time they left since nothing good was possibly going to come out of this conversation. "I felt completely empty and numb to everything with her. I felt guilty and awful and I hated myself. As for Emily? You made me completely destroy her! This isn't at all like her, any of it. She is so kind, and loving, and understanding. She has been my best friend for six years and when I came home from L. A. happy to find a friend you should have left it alone! I was barely coping then and you just..." Alec shook his head. "No, that's not right I should have never let you talk me into it. It's not your fault. When you're ready to accept me as I am finally you know my number." Alec swept out the door and Magnus couldn't help throwing Robert a cold look as he quickly followed.

Within minutes, and with the help of a portal, they were back home in New York but instead of turning to go inside the building holding their loft Alec turned to the right and approached the car Magnus owned quickly. He held his hand out silently and Magnus sighed as he dug his keys out from his pocket. He held them out but snatched them back at the last minute to ensure he had the shadowhunter's full attention.

"No more than twenty over, okay?" Alec nodded silently and stiffly as he snatched the keys at last and climbed into the driver's seat. He remembered the first time Alec had been upset and wanted to go for a drive. He had thought it was just going to be a leisurely drive through the side streets of the city, but it was nothing like that in the slightest. Alec had pushed every limit his car could take as he took turns three times too fast and speed limits were more like guidelines. It was the first reckless thing Alec had ever confessed to liking and it was the first time Magnus had felt like Alec was truly letting him in.

Magnus drummed his fingers as they drove in silence and the scene got more and more rural as time went by. He wasn't too worried about getting lost since they both had phones and no time limit to be home by. He knew Alec would slow down when he was ready and he made sure to put a glamour on the car so they wouldn't get pestered by law enforcement. Alec always got worked up when Robert was involved. Their relationship wasn't as rocky as it had been but they still could never see eye to eye. Alec love his father dearly and it hurt every time it became blatantly obvious Robert would never feel the same.

"You put a charm on this, didn't you?" Alec asked finally as they cruised down a country back road. Magnus smirked and laid a hand on his lover's knee.

"You love to push limits when you're like this. I'd rather you live to see your thirtieth birthday." Alec didn't reply but just kept on staring blankly ahead. Magnus wasn't too sure if he was still seething or if he was just contemplating. Their relationship was different than it had been last time. Alec had changed a lot in the last eight years. He was more assertive and he took on a lot more than he used to. Magnus remembered when Alec was afraid to ever say what he thought or felt in fear of it not being accepted This time Alec was calling far more of the shots and while it took getting used to Magnus loved it. He simply loved Alec no matter what. He had never been so content just being with someone the way he was when he was with Alec.

Alec merged onto the highway and Magnus sighed and waited for the heart attacks to begin. He lifted the charm he had put on the car and let Alec do what he needed to. He tried talking to him and getting Alec distracted.

"Y'know we should go on a road trip. We had that trip around Europe but there's something about driving for days and just ending up in random places. We could just take off for a few weeks and you could get us places in half the time with the way you drive. We could go so many places and just enjoy life. I've always wanted to see New Orleans as a matter of fact-"

"Are you sure you even want to be with me?" The question that finally left Alec's mouth took Magnus by surprise and he felt his musings die in his throat as he turned to face his boyfriend. Alec's grip was tight on the wheel and his jaw was clenched as his blue eyes focused on the road. He had slowed down at last and was going with the flow of traffic. "I'm only asking because this is a far different relationship than the carefree ones you're used to. You realize we can't just go on trips anymore like that. Max has training and now that his fever thing is solved he's going to start school. Having kids is hard, harder than I expected when Max was born. They drive you absolutely crazy and you never buy anything for yourself anymore. Every penny I've ever earned has gone towards my son and his happiness. We can't go on shopping splurges and things. Your whole life has to be about Max if we're going to do this. Max, he's not the perfect little boy you've seen. He has your temper and we're still working on him throwing tantrums to get his way about things. He's demanding and can talk your ear off if you let him. He is so attached and hardly ever leaves your side when he's in that kind of mood. You watch what he likes on TV all the time or else he whines. You eat spaghetti at least twice a week because it's his favorite and he's really picky about what he eats "

"Alec," Magnus interrupted gently while putting his hand on Alec's thigh gently. Alec's leg twitched as he sharply inhaled. "Alec, pull over so we can talk. I think we need to actually have a conversation about what this means and where this is going. I think you need it."

"I – okay, yeah give me a minute." It was three more exits before Alec finally pulled over and into a gas station that was decrepit and abandoned as Magnus had ever seen one. They must have been at least an hour away from the city they knew and loved. The sun was setting slowly to the west as Alec got out to pace. Magnus sighed and got out as well, stretching his muscles and looking over at his boyfriend. Alec was pacing loosely and finally settled on the hood of the car while looking down at his hands meekly. Magnus smiled softly and stood before him with a fond expression on his face. 

"Are you going to let me talk now?" Alec nodded but didn't look up from where he sat but Magnus knew full well he had his undivided attention. "Okay I guess I'll address the points as you gave them to me and then address some of my own. First of all, any road trip I would plan at this point would absolutely include our son. I would never leave him behind at this point in the game. He's amazing and I miss him like crazy already. Secondly, I can't wait to spoil that kid absolutely rotten with whatever we can afford. I haven't gotten to for eight years now. Third of all, I don't want a perfect son. I want him to be who he is and we'll deal with what we can. I want to help you with things." Alec looked up at last with hope in his beautiful blue eyes and it left Magnus breathless for a moment. "I have dealt with his father when he was younger and very attached if you'll recall. I don't mind you or Max needing or wanting me around. "

"Magnus-" Alec tried to say but Magnus silenced him with a firm kiss and kept soft hands on his shoulders.

"I happen to love Saturday morning cartoons, as I'm sure you'll remember. Spaghetti is honestly the only thing we've ever managed to cook between the two of us unless you've become some master chef since I last saw you." Alec laughed weakly and Magnus smiled at him while hugging him tightly for a moment. "Alec, you need to stop being afraid of the end. I know that since that night in the subway you haven't trusted me, but I promise you I'm in this all the way. I love you more and more each and every day.. I love Max as much as I can at this point and I know it's just going to get better."

"I just, neither of us deal well with hard and complicated very well." Alec said softly. He was biting his lip as he met green eyes. "I love you truly, but I just am so afraid love isn't always enough."

"It is with us," Magnus said solemnly as he stroked Alec's cheeks softly. "It always will be from now on with you and I. I think we've both wasted enough time apart." Alec looked at his hands once more and then off over the field to watch the sun sink lower and lower over the horizon.

"We're going to get him back, right?" Magnus watched his adam's apple bob and joined him on the hood while linking their hands together.

"Yes, we are going to get him back. I can absolutely promise that I will personally not rest until things are the way they were always meant to be." Alec leaned his head on Magnus's shoulder and kissed his neck tenderly.

"I'm sorry I'm such a head case sometimes" Magnus snorted and Alec nipped him none too gently before amending. "Okay most of the time I'm completely neurotic."

"You just worry too much, darling." Magnus kissed the top of his head softly.

"What are we even going to tell him? He's going to be so confused. What are we going to do about Emily? Are you okay with Max seeing her? Do you think Max will want to keep her in his life? Do you think Emily will want that?" Magnus sighed and enveloped Alec completely in his arms as he gathered his thoughts.

"You never stop, do you?" Alec flushed and buried his head into Magnus's chest. "I guess we'll have to leave all that up to Max. Look, Emily is very nice in general and if she can put all this somewhere to the side or behind her then if Max wants to see her then we won't stop him. You know her better her than I do really."

"I feel so bad about all of it. I mean, I know this had to happen eventually or else I would have gone insane." Alec sighed and pulled away slightly with his hands twisting together in complete knots. Magnus couldn't help but smile at the fact that it felt so much like before. Alec was worrying to him instead of about him for the first time in a long, long time. Being with Alec felt like coming home again and he felt calm instead of the anxiety he had expected to feel. "Is it weird that I honestly can't stand the thought of anyone hating me? I know this sounds immature but no one has ever hated me before."

"I love you," Magnus kissed Alec on the cheek softly as he took his hand. "We're together now and everything will work out. I think it's adorable that no one has ever hate you, though I really don't see how anyone could." Alec flushed pink once again and Magnus was reminded just how much he loved it when he blushed.

"Emily has a good reason, I think." The silence was comfortable as the sun disappeared behind the horizon and stars began to peek out in the night sky. Alec scooted closer as goosebumps broke out over his pale skin. Magnus gladly wrapped an arm around him and held him close for awhile.

"We should head back, darling," Magnus finally said as he felt Alec's head droop sleepily against his shoulder. "And I'll be driving home this time since you're about to pass out any minute."

"I am not," Alec protested weakly even as he handed over the keys and crawled into the passenger seat. Magnus smiled fondly at him before starting the engine and trying to figure out just which way would take them back home.

As he watched Alec fall asleep against the window within fifteen mintues of being on the highway Magnus had to wonder just why he wasn't more anxious about all of this. Alec was right in saying that normally anything complicated scared him. It was the reason he had avoided Nephilim for years and years, that and heartbreak. Walking into the middle of Max's life and stepping in the huge shoes of being a father for the first time should be terrifying him. He had never imagined being a dad since learning he was sterile centuries ago. It was never in his plans to have to raise any sort of child. He had no idea if he'd be any sort of good at it. He was incredibly self centered more often than not. He didn't know the first thing about being a good parent seeing as he had never had any sort of example. All the parents he had met had had some sort of motive or other priority than their children.

Then he glanced at Alec once more. He studied the hair falling over his closed eyes and the way his mouth had fallen open slightly. He looked at the black marks he loved to trace with his eyes or his tongue if occasion allowed, before they fell asleep. He watched the lights play over his face, which looked so much younger and relaxed when he was asleep that he could have passed for eighteen all over again. He loved the man beside him with all his heart and as long as they were together there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

As he smoothly pulled up in front of his apartment his stomach knotted as reality came back to hit him in the face. 

Emily was waiting for them.

Magnus sighed and looked over at Alec, who was still soundly asleep, and decided that Alec had fought enough damn battles lately. He got out of the car quietly and shoved his hands deeply into his jacket pockets as he reminded himself she wasn't all that bad. She was upset and just a woman, who had been married to Alec and had hurt him. He bit his lip to refrain from saying anything too awful to her since he knew Alec still cared about her, as did his son.

"Where's Alec?" She asked as she stood slowly while stretching. Magnus tried to think of something to say that was civil but was quickly falling short.

"Where the hell is Max? Alec has been an absolute wreck. You couldn't even let him call to let us know he was alright?" Emily bit her lip and mirrored his stance with her hands buried and her head down.

"He's just over there in the park playing." Magnus turned and sure enough saw Max racing around with other boys and climbing everything he could. At least he looked happy if nothing else. "I just needed some time to process all this and I was afraid if I didn't take Max then I would never see Alec again." Magnus heard the raw pain in her voice and much as he tried to stay cold and unsympathetic he just couldn't do it. He had felt the pain of losing Alexander Lightwood and he knew exactly what she was going through, complete hell.

"He's sleeping in the car. He had a not so great conversation with Robert and then took one of his drives." The woman next to him nodded in understanding. At least they would always have one thing in common, loving Alec.

"Is he okay?" The question seemed so trivial, but Magnus didn't know what he wanted her to ask.

"It's been a rough few weeks for him. He's just worried about Max, and about you hating him." A long silence followed and Magnus ran his hands over his face. "Do you, hate him that is?"

"No," Emily said softly, followed by a short laugh. "God, who could ever hate him? Alec is just one of those people you can't hate even if you try." Magnus smiled and looked fondly to where he could barely see Alec sleeping in the light of a street lamp.

"You know, we decided we want you to be apart of Max's life if that's what he wants. It won't be easy but Alec never meant to hurt you. Neither of us did really." Magnus sighed and wished this conversation could be easier. "When I first met you I had no intention of stealing Alec from you. I never wanted to be a homewrecker believe it or not. "

"Oh Angel, I know that." Emily said with a wave of her hand. "When you saw our wedding picture it was like I had personally killed and skinned your cat, which Max has told me all about Chairman." Magnus grinned briefly and was glad that matter was out of the way. "Magnus, you make him happy. Isabelle was completely right in saying that you light up his life in ways I never could. Max will likely even benefit from Alec having you back. You can train Max and Alec will be happier."

"What's going on?" The sleepy voice took them both by surprise and Magnus looked beyond Emily to see Alec standing with his clothes rumpled and looking a bit confused having just woken. His hair was adorable rumpled still on one side. "Emily? What are you doing here?"

"I thought we needed to talk. I'm sorry for what happened, really. I acted like an insane bitch and I really don't want to be that sort of ex-wife." Alec rubbed his eyes wearily and sat between the two, the position lost on no one involved. "I got divorce papers drawn up for us."

"Y-you shouldn't have had to do that," Alec said softly as he took her smaller hand in his. The affection was clear and Magnus shifted uncomfortably even if he knew Alec had chosen him it wasn't any easier to be reminded that at one time Alec had chosen her.

"Maybe I'll go play with Max," Magnus said but was stopped by a firm hand on his wrist by Alec. The sleepy look was gone and it was replaced with a look of determination and love.

"Alright, I'm done with all this avoidance crap. I love both of you, have you got that?" Blue eyes swept between them for a long moment before he continued. "I have made a lot of mistakes in the last decade of my life but I'm done with all that." He looked towards Emily while keeping one hand firmly around Magnus's wrist. "I love you Emily, really and truly. You've been my wife and partner for the last six years and it's been great. I don't think I'd trade our time together and please know you are one of my best friends." He took a deep breath and squeezed Magnus's hand while lacing their fingers together. "Em, Magnus is the love of my life. I know that's awful to say since I was married to you but it's the truth. Our relationship was complicated and we broke things off. I want you to be okay with all of this but if you aren't I understand completely. I'm not going to let you take Max away though, no matter what. He is our son and he belongs with us."

"I'm going to miss you so much," Emily said as she started to cry. "I know Magnus makes you happy, I do. It doesn't make it easier that I have to let you walk away or else I would feel like I'm destroying you." Alec enveloped her in a hug and Magnus put his face in his hands wearily. This was by no means simple but maybe this could be a beginning to a better ending.

"Daddy!" Max ran towards him despite all three of them shouting for him to watch the road before crossing. Alec shook his head even as he stood to meet his son halfway and scoop him up in his arms tenderly. "Dad, I missed you!"

"We missed you darling," Magnus said softly as he came over to also hug his son close. Max beamed and looked truly happy.

"Why don't you come up for dinner?" Alec asked Emily as the moment was broken and he turned to face her. "Magnus can order take away faster than anyone I know." The warlock grumbled as he held open the door for their unconventional party. Emily hesitated before Magnus tugged her close by the hand.

"You may as well join this crazy train, the ride is worth it." Emily laughed and nodded at last as she followed Alec upstairs.


End file.
